Skin Deep

I apologise up front.  This is a post for me.  It's not going to be funny or entertaining.  My aim is to offload by writing this and putting my feelings out there, and in so doing, hopefully release the unbelievable hatred that I have in my heart, that has built up over the last 3 ½ years.  After I have published this post I will hopefully not give this issue any more power and will attempt not to discuss it again as it has begun to consume me.  I cannot promise not to cry when the daily ordeals get the better of me but I will attempt to  leave it up to God and the Universe to sort out as I am unable to deal with it on my own anymore.

Eckardt Tolle told a story in his book entitled A New Earth about a monk who, while walking with another monk through the mud, saw a young lady in a beautiful new kimono needing to cross the channel of mud in which they were walking.  She was obviously distressed about dirtying her new clothes. A monk may not touch a woman, but the monk took pity on the young lady and picked her up, carried her to the other side and carried on walking with his friend.  The monks walked together for many hours and at last the other monk could take it no longer and told his friend that he was horrified that he had touched a woman and how could he do that etc etc.  The first monk turned to him and said "I put that woman down hours ago, have you been carrying her all this time?"  This is not a direct quote but how I remember reading it 5 years ago.  This has stuck with me and I think about all the things we carry in life that no longer serve any purpose.  I hope to "put the woman down" after this post.

As a mother of 3 young children, there are very few things that I can't handle.  There are a lot of things I don't LIKE to handle like cleaning up after sick children, vomit, diarrhoea, snot, nebulizing a chesty toddler and the whole "bed wetting" phase, but there are very few situations in which I feel totally helpless.  When Tomato reached 3½ years old, that changed.  That was when our family was first introduced to our arch enemy.  This enemy was so devious and seemingly non-threatening that I didn't even see it coming!  I saw it as a small issue that could be dealt with, as with any other minor childhood issue.  Little did I know that this was the start of the roller-coaster ride that would shatter our family's peace and bring me to tears more than any other issue in my life ever (including my emotional teenage years where I burst into tears regularly, either due to a boy, or punishment or not being allowed to go to a party - serious issues for a teenager!)

It began with a few small patches of red skin which Tomato scratched.  This carried on for a few weeks and I put various lotions and potions on her to alleviate the rash.  Soon I realised that it was not going away and when I discussed it with her teacher she told me not to worry as it was "just childhood eczema."  Hmmmm well I knew what eczema was, my sister had had it and it wasn't a big issue but I knew that it could last for years, so in order to tackle the problem as naturally as possible, I took Tomato to a Homeopath who specialises in children with eczema.  She told me that the biggest causes were wheat, dairy and sugar.  She said we should eliminate all of these from her diet, give her some homeopathic medication, give her 16 capsules of omega oils per day and keep a strict food diary. Now when I am told by a healthcare professional to do something, I follow it to the letter.  I informed the school and all friends and family members and we instituted the new diet.  After a few weeks the school contacted me and asked whether we could please make an exception to the diet on Friday as it was bakerman and Tomato was devastated that she could not join in when the other children received a cupcake. Already she was eating rice cakes with Marmite instead of sandwiches with cheese or jam like her friends and was not allowed Oros or pudding or birthday cake with her friends.  I agreed and honestly I didn't see any change in her skin on Fridays.  When I took her to the GP for a chest infection I was told in no uncertain terms that the volume of omegas was ridiculous and medically her liver would have a problem dealing with that much oil.  I reduced her consumption to 2 capsules (still double the dose as specified on the packaging).

When we returned to the Homeopath 3 months later with a food diary that was the size of a book due to be published, we were told to continue on the diet for another 6 months as there had been no change.  We did this.  Eventually Tomato was on the diet for a year and there were not changes to her skin but definitely to our wallet and lifestyle as I was preparing 2 meals - wheat free, dairy free and sugar free for her and "normal" food for her sister Bacon.  It broke my heart to see her at parties only able to eat chips made of maize.  Friends were so kind and many assisted with separate eats especially for her.  Unfortunately this singled her out and she became painfully shy about being different.

I had lost confidence in that Homeopath and I was referred to another "guru" who put her on a skio machine and told me that she was not allergic to wheat, sugar or dairy but avocado (which Tomato never ate) and she pretty much blamed me for the eczema as I only breastfed her for 3 months.  I left with a plethora of Homeopathic remedies which again I administered as instructed with no results.  After that I took her to her paediatrician who prescribed cortisone cream - one for large areas, one for small areas and told me to bath her only in Epimax.  I did this and then phoned the GP for another script for the cream and was told that I shouldn't need to get more so soon, I'm using too much!  I then couldn't find Epimax at Dischem so I phoned the company who makes it and asked if I could use Epimax Junior and the lady was shocked that I wasn't using the Junior one to start with as the adult one even has a warning on it that is should not be used by children.  I was starting to get annoyed.  Everyone I went to told me that the previous advice was wrong.   Surely this was just a simple skin rash?  How come nobody knew how to sort it out?

We then bumbled along trying anything and everything that was suggested.  We have tried every lotion and potion that says it cures eczema.  We have gone from using Rooibos creams, to soaking rooibos tea bags in water and bandaging them onto her skin overnight, doing wet-wrapping (creaming her then wrapping her in wet bandages to enhance absorption of the cream), coal tar, Camomile lotion, you name it, we've tried it.  At the end of 2011 we attended the orientation at Tomato's new school where she would be starting Grade 0.  The children were all encouraged to play with each other on the playground to get to know each other.  After 5 minutes Tomato was screaming and she came running to me with her legs inflamed and itching, she was going wild and there was nothing I could do to calm her down.  Eventually Grandpa grabbed some cucumber off the eats table and rubbed it on her legs and she calmed down enough to get her into the car.  She was beyond embarrassed and was petrified of starting at the new school.  After telling a friend of mine about the incident she referred me to a Dermatologist who had helped her son but I could only get an appointment in a few weeks time.  I needed to take Tomato to the GP for a bladder infection and she took one look at her skin and phoned the Dermatologist and got me an appointment the next day (she agreed that she was the best for childhood eczema).

The Dermatologist was abrupt to say the least.  I told her everything I had tried up to that point including the fact that I thought I should take her for allergy testing.  She hardly looked at Tomato and told me that the eczema is genetic, definitely not diet related and I shouldn't waste any more money on allergy tests and dietary changes.  The only thing I could do was to control the outbreaks (that made sense).  She said it requires huge amounts of effort from the parents but if I followed the routine it would be controllable.  Her prescription was to cream 4 times a day with a cortisone / Epimax Junior mix.  I was prescribed 7 different cortisone creams for different areas of the body for breakouts and 5 cortisone tablets for really bad breakouts and an anti-histamine.  Sounded promising.  (Oh and of course the cortisone ointment prescribed by the GP was "totally wrong as it dries out the skin even more" grrrrr).  So I got home and started the new routine.....

Tomato was now 5 years old. The more I tried to apply cream to her skin the more she screamed.  The days became a blur of fighting, crying and negotiating.  It got to the point where if I reached for the cream, any cream she started to scream and scratch even more out of nervousness.  Bath-time became a nightmare.  She would hide and I would have to drag her out of her hiding places, literally kicking and screaming to put her in the bath.  The entire time she was in the water she would emit blood-curdling screams which made me very angry as I thought she was misbehaving and just didn't want to bath.  The more I tried to reason with her, the more wild she became.  It became the norm to bath her (in the special oils) which stressed her out so she would rip her skin until it bled.  I would try to put on cream, which would burn because the skin was open, so I would then put on special "open skin" cream which the Dermatologist had prescribed, which healed the skin but did nothing for the eczema.  Every night she would get into bed and her mind would wander.  She would start to worry and scratch her skin until it bled again.  She would take all her clothes off because they made her itchy and she would bleed all over her blankets, duvet and sheets.  She would wake up scratching, bleeding and screaming. I became desperate.

One night she didn't want me to put the cream on and I forced her to and she ran around in the nude screaming that she wished she was dead, she was begging God to just let her die now.  I was heartbroken and mentioned it on Facebook.  A friend suggested I contact a relative of hers who could solve my problem as he believed Tomato had a zinc deficiency.  I tried an extensive course of zinc, which tasted great but had no impact.  Every night I would ply her with some new medicine, concoction or remedy that I had found or been told about.  I had Googled it to death and was still coming out with nothing.  One night Tomato woke up screaming like she was being attacked.  She was screaming so loudly that she woke up the whole house.  She kept screaming "take my skin off, take it off!!"  No matter what I did or said she would not calm down.  She begged me to take her to a doctor to make her better, over and over again.  Eventually she fell asleep on my chest sobbing uncontrollably.  I sobbed with her.  The next day I went to see a new GP to try again.  A new Dermatologist was recommended and I was squeezed in as the GP was horrified to see Tomato's condition.  I was not convinced but I was hopeful.  The new Dermatologist was more abrupt than the first one, telling me exactly the same thing. It was as if eczema was just a waste of time and they wanted to see real issues.  I asked if there was any way we could reduce the creaming as she was traumatised by it and he told  me quote "hold her down and cream her, she's only 5, you're the adult here."  Tomato promptly burst into tears and started shaking.  He looked at her and said "You need to stop scratching and put the cream on or you'll always be sore, do you understand?"  I then told him that she is petrified of the creams because they burn on open skin and it was making her more nervous, so he told me quote "well then she needs to see a child psychiatrist because then it is a mental issue and I don't deal with mental issues."  It took everything in me not to slap him!!  Again I got cortisone creams and ointments and tablets.  Again I filled the prescription knowing that the creams would never be used unless by force.  Tomato was silent on the way home.  That night after the usual bath-time screaming match I cuddled her and told her that we need to listen to what the doctor said and her eyes filled with tears and she said "Mommy, nobody understands how sore I am.  Why did God do this to me?  Please don't hold me down, please Mommy please, please don't do it."  It was only  then that I truly realised what I had done to my child by dragging her to all of these so-called experts.  I had eroded her self-confidence, crushed her self-esteem and made her into a nervous wreck. My heart broke for the 100th time.

Later that year Tomato needed to have a tooth filled.  I went to the hospital armed with all the creams and asked the dentist and the anaesthetist if I could cream her while she was "under" they agreed and I got a really good "creaming" in.  The anaesthetist came to see me afterwards and said that I needed to take her to someone who would take hold of her entire health and work with her until all her issues were addressed.  The suggested doctors weren't interested as eczema was not serious enough for them.  Unfortunately the eczema also reduces her immune system.

I then took her to a spiritual healer who came highly recommended.  She suggested numerous remedies which included opening capsules and decanting powders as well as oil capsules and probiotics 30 minutes before breakfast.  Again I followed this to the letter, but after 4 sessions even she told me that she couldn't help Tomato but she did suggest I ask the evil spirits to leave her alone!  She suggested that Tomato and I both do that every night before bed, yes that would definitely help her with her nervousness!  I was so down about this a few months ago that my long-time friend suggested yet another Homeopath  who is "The eczema guru" to which I said "no."  But then I started to feel judged.  Like, don't complain if you don't want help, so I relented and against my better judgement I made an appointment to see him.  Well, it's been a month and again no improvement.  I didn't have any confidence in this man, but a small part of me really hoped that I was wrong.

The worst part of this, is the well-meaning people who stop us and try to give advice, have you tried?.........  As adults we can handle it, but as a child, Tomato wants the ground to open up and swallow her!  Most children think she has chicken pox or some disease and say so very loudly.  Some people have actually given me creams from their bags.  Nothing has worked and to be honest she won't let me near her to put any new creams on.  She is petrified of me and every night she is in agony.  She is so nervous that when I told her that it was her birthday and she's going to be 7, she said "Mommy I'm scared to be 7."  Most children are excited to get older.

Today we went out to play and I saw some Autumn leaves on the ground and I picked them up and threw them over her as a joke.  We all had a ball playing in the leaves....... until we got back into the car and she started to itch......  Her favourite thing in the whole world is to ice cakes and cupcakes.  It is her birthday ring at school tomorrow and she was so sore tonight that she didn't even want to ice her cupcakes.  Again my heart just breaks for her.  I keep wondering if she is just being a drama queen and then this happens and I realise how bad it must hurt for her not to want to make cupcakes.

I have helped a lot of people in my life and am considered somewhat of a self-appointed Life Coach.  I'm a doer, I make things happen and I don't stop until the problem is solved.  If a friend has a problem I tackle it with enthusiasm and leave no stone unturned until they are strong enough to cope without me.  I am there physically and emotionally and am always just a phone call or text away.  I help everyone and anyone but for my little girl, I have failed miserably.  I am not proud, but I have shouted at her, I have screamed and ranted.  I've told her to stop scratching so many times that I've lost count. I have tickled her back night after night to try to distract her from the itching, to allow her to go to sleep, I've begged her to let me cream her, I've walked off in a temper because she won't let me help her.  She is petrified of EVERYTHING and at school she is teased and the kids call her "Blood Girl."  She is now in Grade 1 and I was told by a friend's daughter that she sometimes hides in the bushes alone to get away from the children who are teasing her.  In the past month the swimming teacher has asked us to rather not bring her to swimming as she is traumatised getting into the water.  She said that she thought that "it was behavioural" and that she was "acting up" for me but then she did the same thing when her dad took her, so she probably is just very sore (not sure if I should be offended by that or not!!)  I encouraged Tomato to play netball as she seemed keen and I thought that she may flourish in a team.  I went to her first match because she was so nervous, Grade 1C vs Grade 1A, how cute!  I was so proud.  Then she started getting hot and itchy and she scratched herself raw and was kindly asked to leave the game.  I sobbed on the sidelines for her.

*****  

If any of you have read this far, I'm making it public, I am letting this go.  I will NEVER stop looking for ways to improve Tomato's life and skin, but I am letting go of the hatred towards this "disease" that holds my little girl hostage and is slowly stripping away the innocence of her childhood.  I refuse to feel judged by anyone, any more. Those who judge need to walk a mile in my shoes before they comment.  I will NOT give any more time to this imposter that makes me feel helpless and inadequate as a parent, that saddens me and shatters the gentle home environment for little Bacon and Lettuce.  They did not ask for this and I will be strong for them.  I will no longer take horrific photos of her skin to show interested parties.  I will give this subject no more air-time.

Still when I say the word eczema it seems so silly.  How could a little itch create such misery to a child and those around them?  How could that little word change a beautiful, friendly, loving, caring, carefree little girl's personality so drastically?  Every day I think of children who have been burnt and wonder how their mothers are coping.  I think of cancer victims who need to have chemo and how their children are feeling and acting when they know they are going for the next excruciating treatment.  These thoughts are what get me through.  This disease is debilitating but not life-threatening.  I am blessed.

I have decided that this is the year that Tomato is going to grow out of this disease.  I'm going to think that every day, I'm going to say it out loud and I'm going to focus on it every single day.  Please spare a thought and a prayer for Tomato and picture her in your mind with beautiful clear skin.



"Mommy do you have a coin for the wishing well?  I'd really like to ask for nice skin like yours and Bacon"s" - Tomato age 6

Bacon and Tomato

Post Script
Our journey continued. If you'd like an update click on The Eczema Chronicles to see how far we've come.

Other Eczema Blogs
The day I found Dr Richard Aron and our healing journey began

Pearls of Wisdom

I lecture 4 subjects at a tertiary education facility.  During my lectures I feel it necessary to impart pearls of wisdom to the uninformed 18 - 25 year old students who attend my classes.  On several occasions I have been told by the students that they wish I would have a lecture based purely on these pearls.  So in response I am creating a blog post, on request, to share these pearls.  I will continuously update this post as I gain more wisdom (I know what you're thinking, is it even possible for me to become wiser than I am??) and feel the need to impart it on the youth of South Africa.

As I say to my students "cup your hands like an oyster, here comes another one of Lisa's pearls of wisdom.........."  (yes they do think I'm a bit nuts, but let's face it, nobody ever remembers the wilting wall-flower but we all remember the educators that were a bit off-the-wall).

So here goes.......

WAIT!!!!!  STOP THE BUS!!  I've just read through my pearls and I better put in a disclaimer now.  These are my PERSONAL thoughts and beliefs.  I have taken some from inspirational people and I have changed some to suit my own beliefs.  If you are sensitive, you may be offended.  Read them anyway.  I don't expect you to substitute my judgement for your own.

MONEY - the Lisa Walker smack-down

Pay off your credit card FULLY at the end of each month
It is amazing how fast credit debt can creep up on you and once you're behind the curve it is almost impossible to get ahead of it again.

***

If you ignored pearl number 1, go and look at the "finance charge" on your credit card statement every month.

Don't be an ostrich and pretend it's not there!  That is the amount of money you are p*ssing down the drain every month.  Think to yourself, would I throw that amount of money away? What could I buy with that?  How many drinks, shoes, meals, spa treatments [insert whatever you value here] have I just thrown away?  AND if I don't pay the full amount now, how many more things will I throw away next month when I discover the delight shock of interest on interest?

***

If your bank wants to do ANYTHING for you, they will be doing it to make money.  

Before happily signing up for some new service, think of the reason for them to offer you something and then decide if you want to pay that or not.  There is always a hidden cost and those small monthly amounts add up.

***

Don't get a Gold card (what??)  

Yes.  There are absolutely NO benefits to a Gold card except the increased charges, oh and of course you can SAY you have a Gold card.

***

Buy property as soon as you are able.  

Stop renting as soon as you can.  Downsize if necessary but start investing in an asset.

***

Shop around for bond/ home loand/ mortgage rates

Never take your bond/ home loand/ mortgage over more than 20 years 

Try to pay off your bond/ home loand/ mortgage as soon as possible (get an access facility and put all your savings in there)

Never miss a payment (unless you're feeling lonely).  Even the phone call to remind you to pay will be billed to you and not just a couple of bucks

***

Draw out your monthly requirement of cash from the ATM.  

It costs a fixed amount to draw up to R1,000 and will therefore cost you a small fortune if you draw out the same amount but in smaller denominations over a few days.

Don't draw out a month's requirement of cash from the ATM if you have no willpower and you will buy shoes with the grocery money!!

***

Don't think that you're saving money by buying a car every time you pay one off because you get a tax rebate or a car allowance.

Imagine if you paid-off your car and had that monthly car premium in cash and just paid tax on it.  Worst case scenario you'd still have 60% of it to spend on something else - maybe save the premiums and pay less on your next car.......

Save up at least 50% of the cost of your new car before buying it.  

SHOCK HORROR!!!  I know!!!  Am I serious??  How uncool!!  If you paid your car premiums into your bond you'd probably pay your bond off over a fraction of the time and live bond free!  But here I need to add a cautionary......  that would require an ego-adjustment.

Get an ego-adjustment.

Read the part on the agreement that tells you how much you are REALLY paying for your car over the specified period, it's an eye-opener that the little Fiat you want is going to cost you the price of a medium BMW once you're done.

If you buy a Mercedes or a BMW everybody will know how much you earn because you will buy the best model that you can possibly afford and anyone can work that one out.

***

Sometimes you have to STOP SPENDING and live on salty cracks for a while until you get your finances under control.  JUST DO IT! (Thanks Nike)

***

True success is not measured by the amount of money you have. You will only understand this when you are older.

There will always be someone wealthier and someone poorer than you. 

Don't try to "keep up with the Jones's."  The only judge is your self-esteem therefore there can never be a winner, only losers.

***

Money isn't everything but it is necessary to survive. 
Put money into perspective.



RELATIONSHIPS

You can't change a person, no matter how much you want them to be different.  Don't change yourself for anyone.

You can't make someone love you, no matter how much you love them.

If you can't be yourself and say what you want to say, when you want to say it, END IT.

If he / she is too busy to make plans with you or prefers to spend more time with other people, they are not interested in you.  If they were, they would move heaven and earth to be with you.

***

Love doesn't hurt.

Don't invest more than you're prepared to lose.

Don't make somebody a priority in your life when you're just an option in theirs.

***

Sex is not love.  No matter how good it is, if afterwards you feel empty, you should shut it down.  It will eat away at your self-worth.

If your partner won't use protection, they don't respect you, your body or themselves.

Pregnancy, even unplanned pregnancy results in the joy of the promise of new life. However, pregnancy means unprotected sex, which also means possible HIV infection which results in no joy and promise of death.

Anti-retrovirals are not simple medications. The side-effects can be debilitating. Don't be misled into thinking your life will be the same.  Use condoms.

***

Abortion is not an intelligent method of contraception.

If your partner doesn't want children - THEY DON'T WANT CHILDREN!  Don't think they'll "come around".

Don't bring a child into the world hoping to fix your relationship  problems. Raising children is hard enough when you really wanted them.  Children should not be born with a job to do.

***

Never ignore your old friends when you get a new friend or a new love.  
You will need their shoulders or advice one day and they deserve better than to be ignored.  If you don't, you will regret it.

You can never have too many friends.  Nurture them.

If a friend starts treating you badly, try to find out what the problem is. Make sure that you do everything in your power to fix the relationship, but if it is not going to work, be mature and walk away. You don't need people in your life who don't have your back.

If your new interest doesn't want you to see your friends and family, or feels threatened by them, they are trying to alleviate their insecurities by controlling you.

Family is everything. They will always be there to pick up the pieces.




CHILDREN

Childbirth is not painful.  You have been conditioned to believe that it will be and you mind fulfils your expectation.

***

Never judge another parent unless they are abusing their child - ESPECIALLY if you don't have children of your own!

***

Children want to touch everything because things are pretty and exciting.  Be patient with them.

Often we think children know things when they are still learning. Be patient with them.

Let them make mistakes. Be patient with them.

***

Give your children rules and boundaries otherwise other children and their parents won't like your child and it will be YOUR fault when they "fall into a bad crowd."

Give them responsibility and teach them independence.

Overindulgence of your children is CHILD ABUSE!  It feels good to YOU to give, but it takes away THEIR sense of achieving something themselves. It is crippling.


PARENTS

No matter how much your parents SUCK they probably did the best they could.

Forgive them because you will miss them when they're gone.

Learn from them, good and bad.  Repeat the good, forget the bad.

Nobody will love you unconditionally like your parents will. NOBODY!

Phone your mom, even for 5 minutes, even when you're busy and haven't got the time.  
She misses you and wants to know what you're doing and how you're keeping.  When you're a parent, you'll want to be phoned.

***

When you know better, you do better.

HEALTH

You know your body better than anybody else.  Listen to it.

Medicine and medical science is fantastic (and if I have a heart attack I don't want a Homeopath performing open heart surgery on me) but don't forget there are alternatives which may work for you.  

If you feel uneasy about anything, get a second or even third opinion.

Medical professionals do not have all the answers. Take their input as advice and then use your own gut to decide the way forward. 

As a parent you know your child better than any doctor and you will fight until you find an answer for your child. If the advice doesn't resonate with you, keep searching. Never give up.

***

Eat properly.  You don't need to take any supplements if you eat a variety of food from all the main food groups and get in your omegas.

Sugar is highly addictive. Eliminate as much as you can. Don't give in to the marketing machine that it's natural. The only natural thing would be if you sucked the sugar cane. 

Eat clean and train dirty. 

Pesticides, added hormones, preservatives, GMO, colourants, flavourants and E-numbers are making everyone sick but very slowly so we are not noticing it. 

Whole foods (preferably organic) and grass fed animals and free range poultry are the path to good health. If you don't try to incorporate these into your diet now, you will be forced to later.

Convenience (highly processed) food is great but the rule of thumb "if you don't recognise it as a food, don't eat it" will serve you well. E.g. vienna sauceages (what's in those?) Prepared meals, chips, biscuits etc These are good hiding places for chemicals.

You didn't put on 10kgs in a month.  Don't expect to lose 10kgs in a month.

Weight loss is simple - reduce intake (less food, particularly junk) and increase energy expenditure (exercise).


YOUR FUTURE

Attitude is EVERYTHING.

You can be anything you want to be if you work hard enough.

Don't study anything or become anything that you don't want to.

Follow your bliss.

Don't listen to anybody who doesn't believe in you.

People who don't want you to succeed are toxic.  Remove them from your lives.

***

Education opens a lot more doors and access to bigger salaries and better positions.

The world doesn't owe you a living.

Work hard.

Never give up.
Keep looking for alternative solutions.

Be honest. 
The only real thing you have in life is your "brand" and your good name.  The world is a very small place.  Lie, cheat or steal just once and someone, someday will remember when you least expect them to.

QUOTATIONS THAT HAVE MEANING TO ME

You will never know how high you can fly, until you spread your wings.

Your time is precious.  Never "spend" time with anyone.  "Invest" your time.

Don't let people who do so little for you, control so much of your feelings and emotions.

Common sense is not very common!

Life has no remote.  Get up and change it yourself!

Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle.

You teach people how to treat you.

***
Lisa-isms:

I believe that you are exactly where you need to be in your life.  You have allowed everything that has happened to you to happen. If you don't like it, change it. 
 If you do like it, savour every moment.  

Whatever course your life has taken, be grateful for the experiences you have had and make sure that you get the most out of what you have left.

Love, laugh and have fun. Happiness is a choice every day.

You do not have as much time as you think you do.

Hello 2013!!

Well we're 3 weeks into 2013 and this is my first blog post in 4 months!  Yes I have been a little bit hectic, but isn't that always the excuse?  Well this year has gotten off to a rocketing start!  It has been so emotional and so unbelievable, especially over the last 8 days, that I felt that I had better put pen to paper (or rather fingers to keyboard) to document what has been going on with me and my BLT.

Firstly we had an unexpectedly fabulous Old Year's Eve with great friends.  We simply went to Monte for an early dinner, gazed at the musical fountains (which I love) and then went home (as you do with 5 children aged 6 and below).  It was so cool and laid back that the New Year was upon us without us even noticing and hubby magically produced the Boney M version of "Auld Lang Syne" seconds before the stroke of midnight!  I swear we would have stayed up all night talking, sipping champagne and eating wasabi peanuts [read as: blow-the-back-of-your-head-off peanuts] if one of the tots had not woken up and battled to settle again.  Ah yes an awesome "parent-of young-children" new year party.

Well hubby was not having a wonderful holiday because his armpit became home to various abscesses which caused HUGE amounts of pain.  Luckily I was not left out of the pain game because I picked up Lettuce and strained my back and neck and my sciatic nerve was playing up, so I was walking like a duck with no peripheral vision, so we were a sight to behold!

THE LAST 8 DAYS!!

Monday 
Bacon started Grade 00.  She had a tiny clingy moment but happily waved me goodbye on her first day.  I thought I better check out my aching neck so I embarked on the journey of my own personal hell, paying good money to experience the wonderful [read: torturous] technique of dry-needling and "fishing" which was performed on numerous occasions to my misbehaving neck and shoulder muscles throughout the week.  The physio took delight in my pain and didn't even try to hide it!  At the booking of each new session she actually rubbed her hands together in glee and said "goody!!" *unimpressed*   Now Tomato was due to start school on Wednesday, and being very sensitive and nervous I took her for the fourth time to her "big" school to orientate her, show her the class, the tuck shop etc.  She was fine until she saw the pool and promptly had a nervous breakdown thinking that she was expected to swim lengths on her first day.  Poor baby.

Tuesday 
I decided to "focus on me" and go to the Optometrist (did you get that? focus on me, haha I think I'm hysterical) as I had received a script back in November for glasses (bleugh) and kinda forgotten / ignored the fact that if I don't get glasses soon I'm going to need to put in an order for a guide dog instead.  I was in a bit of a strange mood so my chosen glasses are in fact purple (Tomato is beside herself with joy as we are now apparently twins).  Well at least that cheered her up - the calm before the school-storm.  

I spent 4 hours labelling each and every item of her stationery and uniform.  Why ON EARTH do they need 4 glues, 2 scissors, 2 sharperners, 4 erasers, 2 rulers and hundreds of wax crayons, pencil crayons and kokis?  (to name a few).  I was shell-shocked!!  But as the good mommy that I am, I marked them all.  

Wednesday
Our first-born, Tomato started Grade 1 and it was a shock to all of our systems.  Firstly I have to actually get out of bed at a specific time!!  Yes that time being the crack of dawn!  Okay only 06h30 but it feels like the crack of dawn when you haven't had that pleasure for a while and let's face it when winter comes it will be BEFORE dawn has cracked.  Hubby and I drove her to school, showed her where her class was, found her locker and orientated her. We eventually ducked away while she was playing and I ended up sobbing into my cappuchino instead of enjoying the seldom-experienced, potentially romantic brekkie with hubby.  I even made him cry when I snapped at him and said "why aren't you crying??  Don't you care??"  Not my finest moment!  When I fetched her she burst into tears and told me she was so scared. She was apparently singled out and told to tuck in her shirt and when she took her socks and shoes off she was told to put them back on (she always did that in grade 00 but this is "big" school now). My heart just broke for her.

Thursday
After getting Tomato ready amidst her screams of "why are you forcing me to go to that horrible place?" I managed to take little Lettuce to a photo shoot for a print ad (he was not amused).  Work continues and I had just finished checking 3 lots of packaging - that I had insisted on checking (good thing because being the detail-freak that I am, there were a lot of errors!) when it all hit me - I was in pain, hubby was in agony and miserable, my poor little girl was battling to adjust to "big" school and I still hadn't finished all my lecturing preparation.  I was not a happy camper!  But a mother never gets much time for a pity party because I had to go and fetch Tomato, wondering how her day had gone.  Oh no! It was worse than the day before!  She wasn't allowed to go to the toilet because she had just had break time.  After a lot of consoling (and a McDonalds ice-cream) she was feeling better but I was shattered.  I had had such a hectic and bad week it really couldn't get any worse.  WRONG!  It got waaaaay worse!  That night hubby found out that the mom of his oldest friend, who he has known since primary school, had passed away, wow what a shock!

Friday
I was beside myself.  Tomato was still battling with adapting to her new school and goodbyes were on the cards for me.  I really avoid goodbyes as I find them seriously depressing.  I like the ostrich approach where we just pretend we'll see each other in a few weeks time but we can never co-ordinate our diaries, so the meeting just gets pushed out and we only see each other again a few years later.  Works for me.  Don't deal with the emotion - that's my strategy and I was sticking to it.  So I had to woman-up and deal, but I was not looking forward to saying goodbye to an awesome woman (and her gorgeous family), who has become an even closer friend over the last 8 weeks.  

The evening turned out to be really fun and I forgot all of my worries for a while - amazing what a little strawberry daquiri and some great conversation can do!  We met up with other friends of mine who were at a dancing place nearby and we had a great time.  Then, instead of saying goodbye to my friend that night as planned, because we couldn't bring ourselves to do it, we agreed to go and say goodbye just before she left for the airport on Monday.  WHAT WERE WE THINKING??  PROLONGING THE INEVITABLE GOODBYE!  That was NOT the strategy!  I eventually got to bed at 2am but it was well worth it, we had had a lot of fun.  Until the next morning.......

Saturday
4 Hours later I was awakened by the wonderful *groan* sounds of my ever-chipper offspring in the morning, fighting over the iPad - welcome to Saturday.   "Nooooo" I barely whisper. "I need sleep!!"  Not going to happen.  So I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and did the motherly duties i.e. make bottle, feed baby, make breakfast for the girls, play play play, put baby back to sleep as soon as he shows the slightest tiredness, put the TV on "kiddyville" and get ready for sleep number 2, my bed is calling.......  nearly there......  The phone rings - it's my mom to tell me that our dear long-time family friend (my mom's best friend) had been diagnosed with inoperable cancer of the gall bladder which has spread, so her only option is chemotherapy for 6 months.  This lady is 81 years old.  OMG!!  Nobody saw that coming! 

Sunday 
A sad, but at least normal day.  Aroma Cafe cake can solve most emotional issues.

Monday
Dread. As I eventually had to say the final goodbye to my friend and her beautiful little girls as they jetted off home to Australia.  I tried to be strong.  Luckily we were rushing to fetch kids so it had to be quick at the end.

Looking back at the past 8 days, I suddenly realised how fragile life is, how friends and events play bigger and then smaller roles in our lives, but they are there in our memory-bank of experiences forever (especially the first day of school).  The good ones will stay and the not-so-good, will fade but each and every friend and event has taught us something, given us something, left us with something.

This week has left me with hope and gratitude.  Hope that my little girl will adjust to school quickly, hope that my friend will settle quickly back into the Australian way, hope that the family of hubby's friend can find comfort in the fact that their mom is in a better place, hope that my mom's friend will recover and enjoy her golden years cancer-free, hope that our own aches and pains will diminish as they always do, over time.  

What I know for sure (thanks Oprah!)
Is that looking back at my week, I can't complain about a thing.  

I have:

• 3 gorgeous, healthy children
• A loving and devoted husband
• I still have my mother and all of my siblings in my life
• Wonderful, supportive, friends and family

I am grateful for all the blessings in my life.  Ah yes, one of those blessings needs me now......  coming Lettuce!!!

We Digress........

The last 2 weeks have been frenetic.  I agreed to fill in for a colleague who went on holiday overseas.  This meant instead of my 3 lectures a week, I would be doing 9.  Well after 17 lectures I really thought I had it waxed.  I was rolling with the punches, answering questions and being animated, all while trying to maintain vocal contact (my voice was disappearing fast). Fortunately my colleague is a perfectionist so I got a CD, notes, copied pages from the text, everything I needed for each lecture.  All I had to do was prepare for class the night before and I was A for away.  The first lecture I was diligent and was 110% prepared.  When I got to class however, I realized that I had prepared for the following week’s lecture and had nothing on the planned one for that day - oops.  So, I lectured for the stipulated 2 hours and each and every slide was never seen by me before!  This method of lecturing definitely keeps the heart pumping! 

After that little mishap, I triple-checked everything and I was doing really well (if I may say so myself).  But then came the final lecture.  Now there’s something about substitute lecturers and  final lectures that get students nutty so I should have known.   Firstly, out of the 39 students only 6 arrived for class (apparently nobody understood that they should study for a test that they were writing the following day and they suddenly realized that they were running out of time.  Hmmmm.  Anyway when I got there the numbers had increased to a massive 12 (I heard one of the students saying “we’re only going cos we like her lectures” – HUGE ego boost)  I obviously assumed that “her” was me *don’t burst my bubble* 

Anyway it was a fun lecture and pretty soon we got onto very interesting topics of discussion.  We were studying culture and I used circumcision as an example of a cultural belief/ ritual.  One student shared that she was from Nigeria and circumcision is the norm, but her brother married a Greek lady who obviously vehemently disagreed with this ritual and viewed it as genital mutilation.  This apparently sparked a family dispute which reached epic proportions when the couple visited with their 3 month old son and the family refused to accept any male child with a foreskin into their family!  The disagreement raged on and one night the couple went out leaving Granny to babysit.  Need I say more??………  yes, she actually had him circumcised without the parents’ knowledge or consent while they were at the movies!  As expected, all hell broke loose after that, including threats of extradician to Greece for prosecution!   Talk about a great example of different cultures – wow!

The conversation soon turned to the fact (not sure if it’s a fact) that in Johannesburg alone 58 000 legal abortions have been performed year to date.  This horrific statistic moved the conversation onto condoms and unwanted pregnancies.  I voiced my opinion that people should use condoms more out of value to themselves and their lives, with more of an intention to avoid contracting an STD than falling pregnant.  Pregnancy = life, some STDs = death.  And the opinions started flying!  Eventually we had a showstopper – one student at the back who never utters a word, suddenly shouted out “just do it in the bum!”

*silence*

Not much leaves me speechless but this comment really did.  The laughter was explosive, but that was not all, another very quiet girl who obviously didn’t understand the comment wanted to clarify “so you can’t fall pregnant if you do it from behind?”  OMW!!  The lack of sexual education amongst these students floored me!

Now the A-students were beginning to fidget because this was going waaaay off topic so they were trying desperately to get me back to the lecture, but I felt I had to intervene.  Marketing took a backseat as I felt that education of a different nature would be more beneficial at this point.  I spent the next 15 minutes explaining EXACTLY how you fall pregnant and EXACTLY how to put a condom on, why they shouldn’t use abortion as a method of contraception and the fact that ARVs are not the silver bullet that allows you to live forever.  Sad to say, but I have never had such an interested class and they thanked me profusely when they left, saying that they had actually learned something!!  Just goes to show that sex sells.

My colleague returned well-rested from her fantastic trip abroad and I was more than thrilled to hand the reigns back to her. Looking back, it was hectic but I learned a lot and all in all I had a lot of fun. The students stood to attention and sang happy birthday to me, we shared a lot of laughs together and we got a lot of work done.  I learned from this experience that lecturing full time is not as easy as it seems.  I also was reminded of what life is like with an inflexible job and how miscommunication can lead to a child being left at school for longer than was planned.  But mostly I was reminded to be grateful for the wonderful arrangement I have with the company I work for, as it is home-based which allows me to take a break and give Lettuce a big cuddle and a kiss whenever I want to. PLUS I am blessed to be able to hear his gentle "goy goying" while he goes to sleep – best stress-reliever in the world. 

50 Shades of Grey - Book Review

Disclaimer
Before you start reading this review it is important that you understand that this is my opinion and I do not apologise for it.  It is contraversial and I don't expect many people to agree with me.  I do ask however, that you read it through, consider my comments and then make up your own mind.  

I love to read but with three small children I have very little time to indulge in this time-consuming pastime so I expect a lot from a book, and to be honest, most times I am happy that I have taken a break from reality to enter a new world that was born from someone's creative soul.  I have never felt the need to write a book review since Grade 8 when it was part of my school curriculum.  That was until I read this book.

The Lead Up
The first time I heard about this book was on a Facebook status that read "50 Shades of Grey, more like 50 Shades of Boring".  Everyone who commented agreed with the originator saying it was poorly written and really trashy, so I made a mental note to remove that particular book from my "to-read" list.  I was happily having my hair done a few weeks later when my hairdresser (knowing I was a sitting duck for at least an hour and a half) began telling me and the client next to me, about this book that she lovingly referred to as "50 Shades."  I told her about my one-and-only review that I had read and mentioned my resolve never to read it and she was quite plainly horrified.  Desperately trying to convince me, she waxed lyrical about how it had improved her marriage and her sex life and how the sex scenes were so magnificent that she literally couldn't put it down.  I wasn't convinced.  I had to wait for my blonde bits to get blonder so she went off to continue reading "50 Shades."  She was so engrossed in The Book that I was honestly concerned that my hair would turn orange while she was outside swooning over the next instalment of Anastasia and Christian's torturous affair.When she returned I could see that she was still really upset with my view, even though I did mention that I had not read the book myself and this was in fact a friend's view.  I tried to save the conversation by mentioning that I didn't think I'd like the book anyway because I'm not really a YOU magazine type of person. Shortly thereafter I was whisked off for hair-washing, where I overheard her and client number 2 discussing who would play Princess Di in the new movie that she had read about in that week's YOU.  Oops!  How to make friends and influence people Lisa, well done! [Note to self: remove foot from mouth when you get home]

After a long hair wash I rejoined the conversation where she eventually convinced me that if so many people loved the book, I couldn't knock it if I hadn't read it.  She did have a point, so by the time my flowing mane was blonde again, I had promised to consider reading The Book.  [sidebar: may I mention here that 3 days after this particular visit to the hairdresser, my mother asked me when I intended "doing" my hair again as it looked well-overdue for some colour!!  Perhaps the YOU magazine comment wasn't too well-received and she cursed me to be brunette for 6 weeks *horror*]

Anyhoo, my kind and loving husband downloaded the first chapter of The Book onto my iPad and I braced myself for the sexual onslaught.  Imagine my surprise (and disappointment) to find that the first chapter was a bit of a wishy washy Mills and Boon type of story that really didn't capture my attention at all and I was reminded of my friend's "boring" comment.  So when hubby asked whether he should buy me the whole book I wasn't too keen.  A few days later we went out to dinner with some friends of ours who we hadn't seen in a while and just before dessert she leaned over with bright, excited eyes and asked in a conspirator's whisper whether I'd read "50 Shades?" I explained where I was on that and again the horror on her face took me aback.  She was halfway through it and it apparently just got better and better. The love story was apparently something out of this world and I was informed that Time magazine ran an article on how even rope sales had increased because of women reading The Book and wanting to emulate the steamy portions in their own love lives.  In retrospect this should have rung a huge warning bell in my head, but it didn't. After hearing this bit of news, hubby instantly thought he would be able to find a use for the rope he had stashed in the garage for the last 5 years, so the very next evening he came home with a paperback version of The Book.  Hmmmm.  Now the practical and curiosity part of me kicked in and I thought, well I've got it, I might as well find out what the fuss is all about.  Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised......

The Book

I read The Book.  In fact I think I probably read it twice by the time I had turned the last page.  It took me almost 5 weeks to finish.  Where others battled to put it down, I battled to pick it up and when I did I had to re-read the 5 pages before to try to remember what had happened before I put it down.  I also found my mind wandering like it did while I was studying, thinking about what I should make for dinner or who I hadn't seen in a while, but more often I reverted to my ever-increasing to-do list which was put on the back-burner during my reading sessions. 

I must admit that I was a bit shocked that the book was about S&M.  Now I wasn't born yesterday so the acts did not shock me, but out of all the women who "loved" the book, nobody had mentioned in their glowing reports that the story was really about a dominant and submissive scenario.  I was led to believe that it was a beautiful love story, so the S&M was completely unexpected.  I think the reason it shocked me is that while I was reading, I knew that millions of women globally were trying to emulate these acts which did NOTHING to excite me, in fact it turned my stomach.  I'm just as keen as the next person to read a bit of "clit-erature" but seriously, no amount of adjectives describing the god-likeness of the protaganist was going to make me feel any attraction towards him once I got to this part.  The Book was indeed poorly written but not in the way I had expected.  It had moments of "all-rightness" but the part that irritated me was that certain explatives and sentences were repeated ad nauseum throughout the book and the email messages back and forth and the lengthy legal documents could really have been reduced by 75%.  

The Spoiler - in a nutshell

Basically, Anastasia the virgin student meets Christian the 27 year old billionaire who sweeps her off her feet, wines and dines her, showering her with expensive gifts, impressing her with his fabulous good looks and extensive bank account.  She thinks they're going to have a "vanilla" relationship but he is into whips and chains and wants an "arrangement."  He has a fully kitted-out "Red Room of Pain" in which he enjoys inflicting pain on her, while he gains sexual pleasure.  She is instructed not to look at him and to cower naked in the corner until he bids her otherwise.

On their first date he hands her a legal document to sign which does not allow her to disclose anything about their relationship to friends and family and a second legal document follows shortly thereafter which basically spells out that she will be submissive in his presence, he will dictate what she wears, what she eats, how often she exercises and how long she must sleep.  Together with these rules she has to stay in a room in his penthouse (swoon, it is so tastefully decorated) every weekend without socialising with any of her friends or family and obviously she is forbidden to discuss his lifestyle or as he calls himself "50 Shades of F*cked Up."  He continues, in the document, to list his preferences of sexual apparatus that he would like to use on her, ranging from Butt Plugs to Genital Clamps (oh yes please can I?) and it also includes the code words for when the pain becomes too great (but that never happens because she resolves never to show him any weakness).  His jealousy frightens her and she often re-thinks her words so as not to upset him.  Although sexually heightened by this beautiful creature, she is so humiliated by his "spankings" that she leaves him and the book ends with her crying because now she's all alone.  She wonders to herself whether she should rather just do what he wants because then she can be with him.

The Message

Now this story is all fine and well and I have read raunchier, better-written novels, BUT the message that I got from this book is that even though Anastasia thinks that Christian's behaviour is wrong and immoral, she goes ahead with it anyway because she is infatuated by his power, his presence, his charm and good-looks.  Above all, she desperately wants him to like her. She continuously goads him into re-confirming his attraction to her and she cannot believe that he could possibly like her.  Her low self-esteem has led her to believe that she is plain and uninteresting, so she needs to try to keep him.  This spells a recipe for disaster.  Not only is she unable to confide in her friends and family, who she admits would be appalled, she allows Christian to control her.  He brings in his own doctor (at huge expense) to put Anastasia on the pill, continuously asks her if she's "still bleeding?" and then my personal favourite, while cowering in the "Red Room of Pain" he bends her over, yanks out her used tampon (YUK!!) before he has rough sex with her, continuing until she is sore because he likes her to be sore - WTF??

So the glaring issue that I have with this "relationship" is that she enters into it planning to change him, to make him love her and not just use her for his warped sexual pleasure and dismiss her, as he has 15 others before her.  She allows him to inflict pain on her even though she feels cheap and used because afterwards he showers her with positive attention and thanks her for taking the beatings and even allows her to stay with him, even though that is "against the rules."  The Book openly portrays her as a bright but naive girl lacking in self-worth, who stumbles into this affair with little or no knowledge of the world in which she is expected to perform.  In my opinion this shows an abuse of power and smacks (pardon the pun) of domestic violence where men inflict pain on women and when it's all over they apologise and lavish her with attention.  In abusive relationships women keep going back because when the beatings are over the men apologise and are at their most attentive. 

I quickly Googled abusive relationships and got the following: (sound familiar?)

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Do you.....

1. Feel afraid of your partner?
2. Avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
3. Feel that you can't do anything right for your partner?
4. Feel that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
5. Feel emotionally numb, helpless or out of your depth?

Does your partner.....

1. Humiliate you?
2. Treat you in a way that you are embarrassed for your friends and family to see?
3. Blame you for their own abusive behaviour?
4. See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
5. Have an unpredictable temper?
6. Hurt you or threaten to hurt you in any way?
7. Act jealous and possessive?
8. Keep you from seeing your family and friends?
9. Control where you go or what you do?

Anastasia would have to answer yes to all of the above, but apparently, according to The Book and the women who promote it as a love story, if your partner is young, gorgeous, successful and wealthy then we can ignore these classic signs of abuse and go all weak-kneed that the abuser, Christian Gray wants Anastasia Steele and she can make him love her!

The Final Word ....... well almost

I have read better books, even bad books were better.  Maybe I am alone in my thinking that people have been brainwashed into thinking that this is a love story or maybe I have too much self worth, self pride and far too strong a "sh*t radar" to even contemplate any beauty in this type of "love story."  I find it quite sickening but what saddens me the most is that this is obviously what middle-aged suburban housewives are fantasizing about behind closed doors, being abused by a beautiful man in the "Red Room of Pain," even though they probably have a wonderful man in their own living room. 

I love the fact that couples are using parts of The Book to spice up their sex lives together, but these are presumably couples who started off in the "vanilla" way and I am the eternal optimist, so I am sure that love came first to these couples and now they are just playing with different scenarios to improve their sex lives, which is great.  However for younger readers, I think The Book is immoral and sends a dangerous message to young girls who, like Anastasia, think it's necessary to do anything and become anyone to land the hot billionaire (and their swooning mothers agree!!)


The Final Final Word

But the marketer in me has to admit that E.L. James has embraced the Marketing Concept which has eluded numerous companies for decades - she has seen a need and given the public what they want.  Unfortunately the ethical portion of marketing which is often overlooked in the hype of shock-value reads such as these, is glaringly necessary to ensure some sense of morality as it seems that some moral compasses are stuck.

Apparently there are three books and Anastasia does eventually manages to change Christian and they get married and live a luxurious lifestyle.  Personally I think there was so much waffle that the three books could be put into one but if people are prepared to buy three books and triple the author's growing royalties, then lucky her! 

I have been told that I am over-thinking this book and that it is not supposed to be "an intelligent read" (I'm not sure how to turn off my intellect, I still haven't learnt how to switch off my opinionated views, of which this review is one of them).  Speaking of intellect, why the increase in rope sales??  Christian is too classy to use rope!  He uses silk neck ties from his extensive wardrobe and cable ties, which are far cheaper and apparently more effective restraints, who knew? 

The Day I Met Lettuce - by hubby

This Blog Post is not written by me.  It is written by my awesome hubby.  This story will be published next month in a pregnancy magazine and on a pregnancy guide website.  So many people have asked for a copy of the original, so here it is - adapted to the BLT format of course.......

This is the story about the first time I held my newborn son Lettuce, in my arms. But before we get there here is some background.

Background 

Lettuce has two sisters Tomato who is 5 and Bacon who is 3. Lisa, Mommy to all 3 was not happy to give birth in a hospital again, as she had done with Tomato and Bacon, so on some advice from a good friend we decided to have a home birth with a Midwife and a Doula.

After Lisa had been to a few sessions with Sharon the Midwife, it was time for me to attend a class for “supporters.” Here we learned what we needed to know and do during the birthing process, how to set up the room and birthing pool, and make sure we had all the stuff ready for the big day.

I must say I was not looking forward to the class, I was rather apprehensive about what would be expected from me and whether I would be focused on the day and not just a nervous wreck. But when Sharon got to the part about what to do if the baby comes before the Midwife, all the supporters were in shock I think. Reality struck that nature will happen as intended and we don't really have that much control. I had a sense to pay very careful attention to what was being said and demonstrated. Every possible scenario was played out, from everything going well, to having to cut the cord from around the baby’s neck. I left the session feeling rather drained.

When it was time, things kicked into gear and we prepared the room for the birth. We hired a birthing pool and I followed a long list of things to do. Let’s just say things were set up like a maternity ward in there. Now that I think back, I really did not feel a connection to all that I had done, I just had this feeling that it was all for nothing.

A week or so passed and the big day was drawing near. Lisa went for some more checks and Sharon came around to check on progress, but little Lettuce was enjoying himself far too much and stayed in past the “due date.” After a week, all the medical professionals were getting a little concerned. So more scans and checks to see the progress. For the last scan we went to the clinic late one night and found that Lettuce was not in any stress, but the Doctor was concerned that he was getting too big and would not be able to be delivered naturally.

Later the next day, our whole home birth plan was ended when the Doctor recommended that Lisa be checked in for a Caesar. Our whole “better” plan had brought us back to being in a hospital. Together with Sharon we managed to get the Doctor to agree on induced labor in the clinic as a first phase, with a Caesar as a last result.

So it was pack up the whole room at home, pool and all and get ready to do it all at the clinic the next day.

I remember feeling incredibly tired, but pushed through and packed all the stuff in the car ready for the next day. We had made plans with family to help out with Tomato and Bacon and we were ready to face whatever the next day had to offer.

The Birth 

It is around 7:45pm on October 19 2011. I take Tomato and Bacon upstairs to bed. I follow the normal routine, read a story and tuck them in. Lisa says she will meet me upstairs but she doesn’t arrive. The girls would normally complain if Mommy didn’t kiss them goodnight, but they doze off without a peep.

I go back downstairs and find Lisa having some contractions, she says they feel different and is about to call Sharon. Sharon suggests that Lisa gets in the bath to see if they calm down. Lisa is undecided about that and actually just wants to go to the clinic right away. I know this is it.  The car is packed, we are ready and it would just be now instead of tomorrow. I dash out to Dot, our domestic worker’s room, and say “Dot please come inside and watch Tomato and Bacon, I think we are about to rush off to the clinic.” I then call my Mom to ask her to come over in case Dot has problems with the girls, but I cannot get hold of her.

At this point we are back inside and Lisa has gotten herself into the bath.  The contractions are not dissipating, so I call Sharon.  I say “Lisa says she just feels like pushing.” Sharon says “Get her into the car and meet me at the clinic.” I manage to get Lisa sitting up in the bath and she says she just wants to sit there for a few minutes, at which point she says “We need to pack a heater in the car!” which I had not thought of.  I dash back downstairs, fling the heater in the car and rush back upstairs to help Lisa out of the bath.

As I walk into our bathroom I find Lisa out of the bath, standing next to the basin, and looking down at the floor, which is covered with fluid, blood and mucus. It looks rather bad, but it is just her water that has broken. Needless to say we are both a bit freaked out.

With our other two births, the Gynae had to break the water, after which both Tomato and Bacon were born within minutes. This is the first thought that goes through my mind, the baby is coming, and we only have a few minutes.

I grab Lisa’s phone and call Sharon, she is well on her way to the clinic, and has to turn around, but is on her way. It’s now 8:45pm. Suddenly my training kicks in and I start to give Lisa orders. “Get on your hands and knees, get your chest as close to the floor as possible.” The steps are playing out in my mind, this is going to move the baby away from the birth canal a little, and buy me some time. Just then my phone rings, it is my Mom, I try to explain, but I cannot and I have no time, I just put the phone down (sorry Mom). I grab Lisa’s phone again, it’s now 8:50pm, and call the paramedics. A very nice lady answers, but keeps me on the phone for what seems like an eternity. I eventually give her all the details she needs, including telling her Lisa was 2 years older than she was (sorry Li). I am now sitting on the floor behind Lisa, watching for the baby and needing to make one more call. The guards at the front gate need to know that a Midwife and ambulance are on the way, and to please let them in. It’s now 8:56pm.

I put the phone down on the basin, and tell Lisa, we are ready to do this. In my mind I am seeing the last scan we had, Lettuce would now be lying on his back, and we know the cord was not around his neck. I feel sure that everything will be fine and I can do this. I tell Lisa “Push when you are ready.”

Our whole world just goes quiet and calm. We are all alone, the most primal humans can get. Lisa doesn’t scream, just grits her teeth, and I see Lettuce’s head crowning, my hands are ready, instinctively you want to help, but that’s not what you should do, I am keeping my hands wide open, because if you clench you don’t know that you are hurting the baby. All this time I am telling Lisa what’s happening, I can see his forehead coming out.  I see Lettuce’s eyes and nose appear, and then suddenly his head is all the way out. It drops back and rests in my gentle hand. His mouth opens to release a fountain of amniotic fluid, straight onto my chest. It’s just amazing that his body, now in the birth canal was so compressed that his lungs were squashed empty.

Lisa starts to push again with the contractions, and I recall the Doctor saying his shoulders will be the hardest part. But Lettuce starts to rotate to the right and slips his shoulders out. I use my right hand and hold him with my middle finger in his right arm pit. The rest of his body then just slides out, and I grab his right thigh with my left hand. Another flood of amniotic fluid lands on the floor, along with the umbilical cord. I now recall thinking that the cord is actually quite long.

I stare down at him, just a few seconds old, a perfect creation, as he lets out a little cry with his first breath. And then goes quiet.  Lisa turns around slightly and says “Is he breathing?” I give him a few pats on the back. He coughs a bit and opens his eyes just for a second. I can feel his heart beating, and there is a faint breath coming from his nose. He is okay. I signal to Lisa to grab him as I pass him through her legs, this is the only way as the umbilical cord is still attached.

We struggle a little to pass him through Lisa’s legs and his bum drags a bit on the floor. I also recall thinking he does feel rather heavy. I jump up, and grab the two towels we have in the bathroom and put them around Lisa and Lettuce, as Lisa holds him to her chest, both of then naked. We check to see if he is breathing, and then we both look up at each other, tears just streaming down our cheeks. It is now 9:07pm.

I suddenly thought, the gate is closed and the front door is locked, the people can’t get in. I run to where Dot is sitting and tell her the baby is here and the Midwife is on her way, she must please open the gate and the door.

I run back to Lisa and Lettuce, spot the under floor heating switch, and turn it on and I sit down in front of them again. I take a breath and start to feel myself losing it. Lisa looks me straight in the eye and says “Now is not the time.” I gather myself and check Lettuce again, he is breathing, and his heart is beating, but he is just lying so quietly in Lisa’s arms.

Things are not over yet, the placenta is still inside, and will be on its way out shortly. I follow my teachings and feel for it, at which time I realize Lisa is torn quite badly, she is bleeding, but not seriously, so we are okay for now. Just then a voice calls from downstairs. It’s Andrea, the Doula. Sharon had called and said “You will get there before me, GO!”

Andrea looks at Lettuce, gives him a few more pats on the back, which gets him to cough up a last bit of mucus, at which point his breathing becomes normal. We all breathe a sigh of relief. He is fine.

Andrea then starts helping with all the mess and sends me off for fresh towels and soap. Within another 2 minutes Sharon arrives, and steps into action, between her and Andrea they sort everything out. We are well on our way to set up to cut the cord when the paramedics arrive. They are a little shocked and surprised to see we have everything under control.

I cut the cord and take Lettuce into my arms. With my shirt off we touch skin on skin, as I hold him close to my chest to keep him warm, with a fresh towel around us. I sit down on the edge of the bath, and realize that this is the furthest he has been away from Lisa. Meanwhile Lisa, sitting on a camping chair with a hole in it, is waiting for the placenta. Sharon looks at us and says, “So do you have a name for him yet”. I look at Lisa and then down at Lettuce, and tell her his full name.  A flood of joy comes over me as I realize, that was the moment he became Lettuce, a Spirit about to embark on a Human experience.

The placenta comes out with no problems. Sharon and Andrea get Lisa all cleaned up. But when Sharon has a look at Lisa’s wounds, we realize we need to go to the clinic, for what turned out to be many, many stitches. I manage to get hold of my Mom and my sister. They both come over to make sure Tomato and Bacon are okay, while we go off to the clinic. 

Before Lettuce has his first feed, on a mattress in our bedroom. We discover that he was born wighing 4.65kg and measured 56cm. No wonder things got a bit damaged down there.

Seeing as the ambulance is here, Lisa can be taken to the clinic lying down at least. My sister and I dress Lettuce warm and snug, and put him in the car seat. Lettuce and I then follow the ambulance to the hospital. He is only a few hours old and having an outing with Daddy already.

Lisa goes through a lot of pain, but we get home safe and sound, let everybody go home, and go to bed with our little bundle sleeping between us. Through all of this, Tomato and Bacon do not wake up. There must be some force that keeps them asleep when you need it most.

The next morning Tomato comes dancing into our room. Lisa signals for her to come and see what we have in the bed with us. She says “Your baby brother is here, and his name is Lettuce”. If only I could capture the look in her eyes. She jumps up screaming “BACON!!” and runs to get her sister out of bed. The two of them run back in, excited beyond belief.

Here we are, our little family, at home, together, enjoying this moment of a precious new life.