Parenting - Side Effects and Special Precautions

EDIT 

[Please note, after publishing this post I got A LOT of flack and as usual, it is not on the blog but by PM. Even my mom "gave me hell" for ridiculing this family and mocking them on a public forum. I am disappointed that my point of view was not understood, so I would like to clarify. I am voicing an opinion from the child's point of view, if he was older and able to articulate better, I am sure he would agree with me. I am not ridiculing, mocking or judging these parents in any way shape or form, I am stating what I can see happening before my eyes. 

Prior to this year, I didn't even give a thought to what life would be like for this little boy, I just thought his parents were a bit weird (and good for them, I'm a bit weird too, I even have purple glasses). However, I have been exposed to this family for a couple of years, so it has become "normal" to me but it is different now that their son is at big school and next year it will be horrific for him when he is exposed to 12 and 13 year olds in primary school.  Is it fair?  NO. Is it right? NO. Is society kind to people who go against the norm? NO. I am purely observing the difficulties that we impose upon our children by working out our own issues and this family was an example that I used to make this point. The family remain anonymous, I changed names and I did not use any information that may make them open targets for further ridicule.

This blog is my point of view and my personal opinion and while I never have any intention to offend anyone, I realise that everybody has an opinion, so I make no apologies for mine. 

The original blog post remains below, unedited.]

***

Let me begin by admitting that parenting is damn hard work, not only physically but emotionally. I have realised that no matter how many times I tell my children to eat their broccoli, if I don't eat mine, they won't touch theirs. If I tell them they can't lick their knife then they hold me to the same standard. It is difficult to mould little human beings into adults that we can be proud of. As parents, we have a massive responsibility regarding the outcome of our children, so I understand that parenting is not easy. So I tell this story out of pity for the child, as he has received a really bad hand in the role model department.

For the past 2 years, Bacon has had a little boy in her school, I will call him Matt to protect his identity. Matt is a very sweet little boy and although Bacon is cautious of all boys (with the exception of her little boyfriend), she has also gotten along quite nicely with this little chap and continues to do so.

Bacon is due to turn 6 in a couple of months and at this age, she is becoming more aware of her surroundings and the questions flow like a river in flood! Lately her questions have been about Matt and I've only just realised what a huge challenge this little boy has ahead of him.

Firstly he is the only child (it seems) of a mixed race family, his father is Caucasian and his mother is black. Living in South Africa, this alone can be challenging. The next challenge is that is father is MUCH older than his mother, by my guess his father is probably 60 years old while his mom looks like she is in her late 20's.

Matt's mom and dad seem to only have one car as his dad sometimes drops him off at school in a private taxi, which is not the norm at a swanky private school where the school fees are greater than your home loan repayment. I assume that his mom sometimes needs the car or it is in the garage for a service. Now I need to tell you about the car that they share.......

It is a big pink, purple and black SUV. As if that wasn't bad enough, the interior is bright pink, including the leather seats! It is a company vehicle, seriously, Matt's mom owns the business and the logo of the company is splashed on the side of the vehicle. I had to Google the name which resembles the wording that would be used to advertise a bordello or a boutique selling ladies' intimate goodies similar to those that you may purchase at an "undercover party." Poor little Matt gets dropped off and collected with this car. It does raise a few eyebrows when his dad drives this obviously feminine vehicle.

But unfortunately Matt's challenges don't end there. While his older father looks like he has always just woken up, thrown his clothes on and quickly slipped his feet into comfortable slops, his mom is the total opposite. She dresses in the tightest, shortest, skimpiest trying-to-be-trendy clothing that she can find. I have often had the delight [not] of getting an eyeful as she exits her large pink-mobile, purely because her skirt is so short that it is impossible to climb down from this large vehicle without showing everything. The thick-soled stylish stilettos she wears would look better, if firstly they were not in such gaudy colours and weren't so obviously uncomfortable. Her feet are often squashed into her shoes so much so that the skin on top of her foot is squashed up over the top of her shoe which looks extremely ugly and painful, but this doesn't seem to faze her, she tackles the stairs like a pro (short for professional, what were you thinking???). Her eyebrows are shaved off and she has tattooed eyebrows onto her face much higher and more vertical than where they should be, so she always looks surprised and the children find her a bit scary, can't say I blame them because I feel the same! Coupled with this she has the longest false nails that I have ever seen but they are always perfectly manicured and her long straight black hair is long enough to cover her bum. She has also obviously had the largest possible breast implants, which I have probably seen in totality because of the minimalistic clothing she likes to wear. To complete the picture she is riddled with tattoos all over her body. I'm sure that you can now picture her. She is mixed up in some really bad karma type of business deals, holding legal entities to ransom and is proud to sue the pants of anyone who dares cross her. I have decided against putting an actual photo of her on this blog even though there are plenty to choose from on the web, for obvious reasons. [she scares the bejeebers out of me!!!]


Already I hear the parking lot mafia mothers having a field day and the snickers from teachers and fathers who stare wide-eyed at her semi-naked body and then turn away looking embarrassed for her. She has given herself a cutesy nick name and is of course splashed all over the Internet. Apparently she thinks she is a self-appointed socialite, like Paris Hilton but unfortunately doesn't have the cash to make anyone care. I wonder if she enjoys the fact that most moms have taken photos of her on their cell phones to laugh behind her back about her outfit of the day.

By the way, the parking lot mafia moms are shocking too and I steer clear of them!!

Now I'm all for being different and making a statement, but what impact is this having on her son?  All well and good if you want people to stare at YOU and talk about YOU and get a reaction, but when your son is starting to understand and question his surroundings and is beginning to discover that his family is different, it starts to change who he is. It may have been slightly more acceptable if they had had a daughter, but when a little boy is picked up by a scantily clad mom and is expected to ride around in a pink and purple car, this starts to shape him and how he is viewed by his peers. Already I can see that he's gaining weight, is playing up at school and is starting to lack the confidence that he had last year. He had a party recently to celebrate his 6th birthday and from all the gossiping, I'm not sure if anyone attended, let's face it, kiddy parties at this age are also forced socialising events for parents, and what on earth would other parents talk to this couple about?

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure this couple are loving and devoted parents. They are at most school functions and they seem to be involved in their son's life. One of them, usually the father collects Matt from school, so he is interacting with them and they may have the most amazing home life, but......

I know Bacon and other 5 year olds are scared of his mom and Bacon often comments on her attire. It's very innocent at the moment, she asks why Matt's mommy wears shoes like that and why her clothes don't fit her properly. She also asks me about why Matt is brown but not like other brown people (she has realised that there are pink and brown people, not white and black). She says that the other children laugh about the pink car. If this is what is being noticed and discussed at age 5, what is Matt going to face when he is 8 or 10? I feel so sad for this little boy who is a bright and fun-loving child and I wish his parents would realise that when you become a parent, you play a huge role in your child's life and if you show everyone that you want to be different, you are making your child different too and maybe you have the confidence to pull that off, but has anyone asked Matt?  He didn't sign up for that.

Welcome to 2014, Hope you enjoy the ride!

Wow, it feels like yesterday that we were all shouting "Happy New Year" and looking forward to what the new year would hold and now the first month of 2014 is already over. Well the year kicked off to a fabulous start with Hubby nipping into our local Spar to get some rolls for lunch and coming back having won a R100 gift voucher to the store. Well I'd say that's the good omen we were waiting for to show us that 2014 is gonna rock! Again this week he won another little scratch and win and got R40. [Watch this space because I'm going to buy him every lottery ticket for every country that I can find!!]

All my New Year Resolutions are related to my new Earthing adventure which you can find on Earthing with my BLT so I won't go into them again here.

I am often asked by people why my blogs are posted so late at night or in the early hours of the morning and the reason is as follows - I started blogging because I am a frustrated writer and I thought this would give me an outlet to all those wonderful thoughts [yes they are wonderful, intelligent and mind-blowingly interesting] that fill my head from time-to-time. So maybe some bloggers do, but I don't actually sit down and think "what should I write on my blog today?" To be honest I don't even think about it and the thoughts start circulating sub-consciously (wooooo) and then they start permeating into my conscious mind and then they start interrupting my other thoughts (yes, I have other thoughts!) and suddenly it all comes together in my head and I HAVE to write it down or I'll explode! So I type like a madman until everything is down and I'm happy that everything has been unleashed from my over-active mind, making space for the new (awesome) thought that is bound to start sooner than later.

For example I went out to dinner last week with some fabulous girl friends and we had so much fun. But I was asked the inevitable question "what is my purpose?" and then it all hit me at once that so many people don't understand how easy it can be and how they over-complicate everything, so I had to get it "out there" and out of my head! If you haven't read it, check it out On Purpose and put that whole searching thing behind you, your purpose is not one big thing waiting for you!

Why am I telling you this? Well I have been helping a friend with writing his new book and Hubby has already written about 10 children's stories that will be published this quarter (how exciting).  With all this creative writing going on around me, I feel that I should start the book that has been milling in the background of my mind for years. [because with 3 small children aged 7 and below I have plenty of free time *not*.] The next issue is that I have no real idea what it is going to be about. I have some vague ideas....

I was going to write short stories about happenings in my life that people literally won't believe are true and I was going to call it WTF (Mom, that stands for Wednesday, Thursday, Friday) [eeeeek forgot that my mom is a closet blog reader, better keep it clean].  Anyway the title WTF has been taken - dammit! (I mean, WTF?) so I am back to the drawing board. So maybe 2014 will inspire me to write something worthwhile instead of just splurging all my thoughts (as wonderful as they are) onto this blog, we'll see. I'm putting it out there hoping my sub-conscious will start doing its thing and that I will actually start writing (with purpose). Any ideas would be GREATLY appreciated.

Along with the new year came new beginnings - Grade 0 and a school uniform for Bacon (boy was she excited!) and Grade 2 for Tomato! Little Lettuce is still at home with me, he is soooo adorable and sooo wants to go "in da car" with the girls in the mornings. Bacon was a bit scared but on the day she hardly looked up to wave goodbye *sniff snitff*. Tomato was very nervous and we were a couple of minutes late so when we got there, her name was called (lucky we're at the end of the alphabet!)  and she was whisked off to her class. She didn't look too happy but it saved the clinging drama. Hubby and I went for breakfast and we actually managed to hold it together.

I fetched Bacon first. I arrived and she was playing with her classmates, neat as a pin, her hair in the ponytail and her uniform looking as if she'd just put it on. She was FULL of the joys of spring! She LOVED her lunch in her new lunch box and her new water bottle. She LOVED her teacher and her classmates, she LOVED her new uniform and cute black shoes and she had a WONDERFUL day! She raced me to the car. My heart wanted to burst with happiness for her. She arrived home and without asking, she went upstairs, took her uniform off and laid it neatly on her bed and changed into play clothes. An hour and a half later we went to fetch Tomato......

Tomato had a face like THUNDER! She was barefoot, her hair was down (I have never had a hair band returned from school - ever!) and her shirt was pulled out of her skirt. She flopped into the car almost in tears. Her day was TERRIBLE, the worst day of her life [no, she's not a drama queen at all]. She HATED her teacher "why do I always get the bossy teachers with the pointy noses?" she wailed. She HATED her classmates and her classroom and NOBODY played with her at break time. She got home, flung her bag down and sobbed into her hands. When she'd been home for about an hour and seemed to have cooled off, I gently asked her to please change out of her new uniform. She screamed "FINE" and ripped her uniform off in the kitchen and flung the various clothing items in different directions and stormed off.  Hoo boy! I've said it before and I'll say it again, parenting is a roller coaster ride - NOT for sissies!!



On my side I have reduced my lecturing to focus more on the consulting and mentoring and I have a great idea that I think will be awesome, I'm just doing my homework (it's buzzing around my mind, so we'll see how that goes!)




So we're off to a fantastic start! We had better hold onto our hats because it's going to be a fast, exciting and bumpy ride towards 2015!!

2013 - A Backward Glance

As we begin the countdown to say farewell to a long year, it is easy to look back with rose-coloured glasses (or sometimes it's due to poor memory) and only remember the good times. But I'm wiping my glasses (I have glasses now, purple ones, just for fun) one last time, to see clearly so that I can put the year down (on paper so to speak) and move on to new beginnings.

I am not one to label a year. I have lived through many years (not too many of course, I'm still a spring chicken!) and have therefore come to understand the ebb and flow, the ying and yang and the more commonly known, ups and downs and cycles of life as they happen throughout a 12 month period. This year, however, will have to go down in history as the most challenging for the Walker clan.

There were Milestone Beginnings :-)

1. Tomato started Grade 1 
2. Hubby left his job of 7 years and started his own business with a friend

There were Milestone Endings :-(

1. Bacon graduated from pre-school
2. I had to shut down a toxic friendship with a man who I have known since I was 14 and considered to be a good friend. He took advantage of my good nature. I was heart sore for a long time.
3. So many friends lost their partners, parents and grandparents this year, so I appreciate that I have still got my mom. [Ian B lost his mom, Troy and Kelly lost their dad, Irene lost Manfred, Beth lost her dad, Peter and Tanya lost their mom, Vicky lost her granddad. May they all Rest In Peace].

There were Milestone Medical Issues :-(

Tomato (skin)
Just this year went to - a Naturopath, Homeopath, GP, Gastro-enterologist x 2, Spiritual healer, Reflexologist, Hypnotist, Child psychologists x 4, Child psychiatrist, Allergist, Radiologist, Pathologist and a very kind anaesthetist (who drew 21 bloods under anaesthetic due to Tomato's anxiety levels. One blood test was inconclusive). Tomato then needed a colonoscopy and gastroscopy during which, the inconclusive blood test was done again and other blood tests were carried out while she was anaesthetised. We were called 2 days ago to please bring her in again as there is ANOTHER problem with the bloods!! Grrrrr don't they understand it's not that simple!!!)

There were also the obvious dental, GP issues, Ophthalmologist (her eyesight has deteriorated even though we are patching her eye every second day) and the Optometrist to re-test and new glasses.

Hubby
Broke his tooth and then proceeded to get abscess after abscess and became a ball of stress. Starting a new business with 3 small children (and fortunately a lovely wife) is not for sissies! Finances have been fun to say the least!

Me
I started off the year with aches and pains and went from the physio to the acupuncturist to the GP to radiologist to the pathologist. Finally the Rheumatologist gave a diagnosis of an auto-immune disease (induced by stress), back to the pathologist for a monthly visit and chemotherapy drugs, which give me blurred vision, nausea and a non-existent immune system. I managed to contact baby measles (I know! How is that even possible??)  Then to Rheumatologist number 2 for second opinion.

Off to the Ophthalmologist - I need glasses! Really? Is that why I'm battling to read my text messages? Seems like it, so off I go to the Optometrist to re-test and choose frames. Then, big mistake grrr - after putting cream on Tomato, I rubbed the remaining cream on my hands, into my legs (as you do) and I passed on her infection (didn't know she had an infection, I thought it was eczema)  to me, so I got an abscess on my leg which remained for 3 months and left a lovely reminder in the form of a purple scar. Then just before Christmas I managed to get a really nice spider bite which spread down my arm and became beautifully infected, plus my (not so bi-annual) visit to the dentist showed that I also needed the first 2 fillings of my life due to stress-induced grinding (haha stress? What stress?) I had both teeth filled without an anesthetic!! #hardcore

Oh and while this is all going on (because hubby and I have so much free time *not*) we were required to attend 5 sessions with a psychologist to equip us to parent a child with a disease and the impact that the disease has on the child and the rest of the family.

Bacon
Went to the Ophthalmologist - perfect 20/20 vision, one GP visit and the dental check up

Lettuce
3 Visits to the GP - baby measles (thanks for handing it on Bubby!), bronchial issues and an ear and eye  infection.


Thank goodness Bacon and Lettuce were troopers and left the rest of us to suffer! The medical aid dried up in February - just to add to the stress and I have made personal friends with the pharmacists at Dischem!!

Tomato's skin was the worst challenge of the year and we were all reduced to tears many times when we were just not able to help her. I don't want to go into any of that again - read about it in The Eczema Chronicles on this blog at http://athomewithmyblt.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-eczema-chronicles.html

Then Bacon got bullied at school by a boy at her little nursery school and Tomato got bullied about her skin, so I was at the schools sorting that out. Fluffy our beloved bunny died in our garden and we had a funeral. We all said a few words about her and then we sobbed, even Dot-the-domestic was battling to hold it together. The girls got fish for their birthday (new pets!!) and I was cleaning their bowl, forgetting that my skin is toxic from the chemo meds so both fish died instantly, I felt terrible.

I had a car accident and the repair place pranged my car delivering it to me, so I ended up not having a car for 8 weeks, then the full tank of petrol from my car "had evaporated" by the time I got it back. I got a nail in my tyre on the way home and they had discharged my battery so I got stuck at work and needed to get a jump start and buy a new one. My phone just stopped working one day. I lost all my data, all my photos of the last 2 years, everything. This list goes on and on etc etc etc the year was difficult to say the least!!!

BUT

There were Milestone Achievements (and happy times)  :-)

Hubby is in a much better space and I have EVERY CONFIDENCE that his business will take off! He has an amazing partner and they build on each other's strengths. He is also writing a series of children's books, watch this space......

After poor Tomato's bad start to the year, she made us so proud with a fantastic report and the Allergist who we now see (sometimes just to drink tea) has got her skin under control and she loves her new therapist. Bacon also had a fabulous report and is just such an easy-going, lovely natured child who we adore and Lettuce grew up in spite of everything that happened and before we knew it he turned 2. We truly believe he was sent to us to balance the force family with his excellent sense of humour and his love for cuddles and fun. He is the family clown (more so than me!) and his sisters dote on him. [okay maybe we all dote on him ;-)]

From the ashes of my toxic friendship rose the phoenix of a new friendship, this time with a man who has a genuine love for this country and the people in it. We meet regularly and have great intellectual debates, especially about the book I am encouraging him to write. I have been privy to the beginnings of the book, he sends me pages as he completes them and it's looking good. I am always left with food for thought after our meetings, but most importantly, this friend truly appreciates me, my busy schedule and the time I take away from my family, work and personal life, to meet with him.  

In June I got to see my sister and her family who flew out from the US just in time to celebrate Tomato, Bacon and my mom's birthdays. The cousins had a ball together!

We all got to spend time together and celebrate my mom's 81st birthday.

We went to the sea!

I have the most amazing friends who worry about me. Some literally gave me an intervention to de-stress by inviting me out for coffee and then "ganging up" and forcing me to take spa vouchers (dammit, had to force myself!!) Some I have invaded their homes for coffee and a chat without warning and others who own coffee shops, were sitting ducks for listening to my one drama after the next, wiping my tears and plying me with coffee and strawberry daiquiris (when I was allowed alcohol). And there were those who invited me out for coffee or brekkie and we didn't talk about any of the dramas, they just made me laugh. Some who bbm me and support me with hard decisions and make me feel better after making the decisions. Others who Skype me at all times of the day and night and inspire me to do better for me and my family. Meeting up again with long lost friends, Col Cachio dinners and wonderful girls nights out where no topic is off limits, we rocked with laughter, the best medicine of all!  I appreciate all of my friends, more than they know!

I have also been blessed with a "random act of kindness" where some unknown person dropped off a letter for me containing cash and a lovely letter of encouagemnt. I will never forget this gesture. Thank you, whoever you are! xxx

I got to see Dorothy and his family from Oz and we were together for Christmas, even though it was a whirlwind visit, we were able to have some real family-time. I thought of the families who have recently lost parents and loved ones, while I was at the Christmas table surrounded by my family, and wondered how they were feeling during this "festive" time.

Along with all the bad times, we've also just been silly! Here Bacon made a dinosaur out of the vacuum pipe and is giving it a hug!

My absolute favourite part of living in Africa is the African sunsets, they are just amazing. I just never get tired of that glorious explosion of colour in the sky. Who says purple and orange don't go together??  One last thing to be grateful for is that the medication I'm on is really aggressive so the mozzies H-A-T-E my blood hahahaha it is really cool to be sitting around enjoying our wonderful sunsets and the mozzies don't come near me!

So while this year has been downright horrible, revolting, unblelievably hectic, gross and putrid challenging, we got through it, stronger and more determined than ever before. The Buddhists believe that you need to suffer in life to appreciate the good times. I think we've done the suffering, the yang, the downs, the ebb part and now 2014 is the year to enjoy the good times, the ying, the flow and the ups!

Only the Lonely - PART 2

Note
If you have just started reading my blog or you have missed the previous posts, go back and read Only the Lonely as this is part 2 and you may find it easier to follow if you read these in sequence.

My "Only the Lonely" post seemed to resonate with many people and sparked a lot of interest and debate. It soon became one of the most read and shared posts that I have published. Again, there is no judgement on my part, purely observation and interest [read as: please don't hunt me down and kill me if you recognise yourself in this post]. 


One comment, which I found quite interesting was that a friend thought I was writing about him for the first couple of lines, (until I got to the alcohol part, he is not exactly a drinker!). This comment made me feel the need to clarify that not all lonely people are Bar-flies.  That being said, there are still a LOT of lonely people and it saddens me. The majority of these people have really good hearts but have just been unlucky in love or have spent too much time on their careers, only to look up and realise that life had moved on without them, and of course those that have just been too picky! I also add into this category, those that have had the nuclear family and it wasn't the bed of roses that society painted it to be and they have divorced and found someone new, even re-married, but loneliness continues to haunt them. 

Loneliness makes people do stupid,crazy things they wouldn't normally do. I refer to three friends:

• One lady has surrounded herself with animals [you guessed it - cats]
• Another is dating a man who, peculiarly, has not touched her AT ALL during the term of their relationship [going on for about 9 months - WTF? Now before you think she's got a nice handwrtiting (code for ugly)  I'd like to add in here that she is gorgeous, funny, warm, caring, giving and one of the most lovely people I know!] 
• Yet another, a man, at the age of 50, is living with someone 30 years his junior (also a girl ravaged by loneliness and deep personal loss). While he admits they have nothing in common, he explains that there is an agreement of no commitment, which frees them both up to find other partners while they enjoy each other [friends with benefits] but most importantly of all, he says "she is just company right now......... "  

Isn't that what everyone ultimately wants? Company? Someone to come home to at night, someone to talk to, someone to share with and offload about their day? Someone to go out with, even if their interests are extremely different due to class or age or experience? One friend with an extremely high-pressured job admits that all she wants is for someone to put their arms around her, hold her and tell her it's going to be ok, even if it isn't. Human beings want warmth, physical warmth because without it, loneliness creeps in. So in order to find that warmth, humans turn to pets, and unhealthy relationships that are doomed to fail, with battered feelings being the ultimate casualty of this "convenience", and all because we would rather have someone, than be lonely. A lonely and depressed friend once told me that he hated weekends because he wouldn't talk to anyone from Friday afternoon, when he left work, to Monday morning when the receptionist greeted him. Often the person has been lonely and depressed before and are well-aware of what it is like to come home to an empty house, nobody to talk to, nobody to share their day with, nobody to wrap their arms around them and of course the ultimate pain - the cooking of dinner-for-one. When you know the loneliness, the emptiness and the sadness, "someone, anyone is better than no-one" it seems. I believe this is a false sense of happiness. I believe in connecting with people on a deep level. Yes it's great to have friends, but partners need to feed your soul, not just be your plus one for the office Christmas party.

*****

"You should join Facebook" was something I heard from friends for literally years. I wasn't interested.  Why on earth would anyone care about what anyone else is doing?  I talk to my friends. We email or have coffee. But then....... my sister in the US didn't have the cutest babies on the planet who I wanted to see more of, and my brother hadn't emigrated to Oz with my two beautiful nieces, so it became a no-brainer to at least "be friends with my family". To be quite honest the only reason I even go onto Facebook is because I can access it on my phone.  If I had to log onto my PC to check, I probably wouldn't bother as much.  I have really come to enjoy the interactions that I have with my Facebook buddies and I find it a great form of entertainment [admittedly I do have a bunch of nuts as friends, which does make it a lot more interesting!]

Recently however, the social media phenomenon has made me think about its impact on lonely people. Is Facebook fun and entertaining if everyone else looks like they're having more fun than you? Doesn't everyone post the most beautiful pictures of themselves and their family on their page? Let's be honest, if you get tagged in a photo, you're onto that photo faster than if you'd had bad prawn curry the night before and were heading for the WC. Nobody wants to be tagged in a bad-hair-day or a no-make-up day shot. Heaven forbid that anyone sees us as we actually are! 

Is Facebook creating more unhappiness, envy and jealousy of others? You have to be a really big person to read about other people's achievements and family achievements and be happy for them when your life is in the toilet! Personally, if I stop posting things on FB, it's a dead giveaway that I'm not doing well. I like to use it as a fun mechanism, making people smile as they go about their days and I very seldom complain.  If I do complain, I always try to find the message and end on a positive note (nobody wants to read your negative posts every day, I know I certainly don't). 

On Friday I received more health-related bad news, ANOTHER disease to overcome and I was furious! All I could think was "I wonder what I'm going to get for Christmas?" remember that old joke about the deaf, blind and dumb girl? [I won't repeat it because I don't want to give the universe any ideas!!]  Anyway, even though I'm battling a bit with this new news and the impact it will have on mine and my family's lives going forward, I have enjoyed the humour that FB has provided this weekend. But is it so with everyone?  If you're feeling lonely and depressed and you see everyone doing fun, family things and laughing and loving and enjoying, how does that make you feel? [now I sound like a shrink! Lie down on the couch please....]   

E.g. if you and your family stayed on the couch all weekend watching Youtube videos and didn't get out of your pajamas [not that this has EVER been me and my family, we NEVER do things like that, we are active and incredibly sporty ha ha *not*] and your friends all went to awesome concerts and restaurants and shared photos of precious family outings, does that make you feel inadequate?  I've got a friend who shares her renovations each weekend. I'm on the couch and she's painting her 5th ceiling for the day *gulp*. 

So this begs the question - are you the same as your Facebook avitar or do you only show the good things? Hmmm I wonder? Very few people post "real" posts when they're struggling. FB is like PR.

What happens if you post something and nobody comments? Do you feel rejected? Lonely? What about if you've only got acquaintances or family on FB or if you use it as a soap box with an agenda so that your mom can see what you're doing? Seriously, I know people like this, who then wonder why nobody comments on their posts!! 


So where does that leave all my lonely friends? I'm reminded of hubby once telling me "you don't have to be alone to be lonely". Sometimes you are surrounded by people but there is no connection. 

I'm seriously thinking of having a "singles night' (with only single people who make the grade, no whackos). A non-committal drinks evening at one of the local hang-outs. I have a lot of single friends who have never met my other single friends and, who knows, maybe there's a match somewhere!

If anyone is keen to do this (and bring along their lonely, yet eligable friends) let me know. Even if we get one couple together, there may be "two less lonely people in the world la la la la la la  [thanks Cliff Richard - now I'm dating myself!!] and if not, at least we can have a good evening and I can put away my cupid bow and arrow for another 20 years and know I've done all that I can.

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Back to Earth (with a bump)

Exactly a year ago I held some research groups that ran over a weekend. These groups took me to Durban and Cape Town. Once the groups were finished, I had to entertain myself until the next one. In Durban, I was fortunate to be able to finish the group and rush down to Umhlanga at sunset, run along the beach and splash in the waves in my jeans like a child (it also helped that I didn't know anybody in Durban so I could act like a moron and not worry about anyone I knew seeing me).  Then a week later (terrible job that I have *not*) my research took me to Cape Town. The weather was stunning. I was able to go up Table Mountain for the first time in my adult life. I was amazed and walked/ hiked from one side to the next seeing beautiful Cape Town from all angles. Not only was the scenery breathtaking, I also remember the quiet - it was so very quiet that I could hear myself breathe (ok I may have been panting after that climb!) That mountain visit was nothing short of spectacular. I watched the sun go down while drinking a cocktail and finally descended the mountain in the cable car in the dark, seeing all the night lights of Cape Town *sigh* there is nothing like taking a bit of time to enjoy the natural beauty that South Africa has to offer. Those two unexpected "nature days" will stay with me for many years.


Since hitting a few speed bumps along life's highway, I've been forced to stop and smell the roses, which is proving a little more difficult than I thought. As usual when your body gives you a warning sign that it's not happy, the doctors tell you to reduce stress, eat healthily, exercise regularly, get enough sleep blah blah blah haven't we heard this all before?  So I took stock of my life. I have  probably definitely been bad in all of those areas. When I eat, which is not frequently, I eat pretty healthily [unless I'm bingeing on chocolate or cake or any other delicious treat that crosses my path.]. I would like to get more sleep [5-6 hours a night is apparently not working for me]. I exercise regularly [by running after Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato..... and I have stairs in my house - lots and lots of stairs - that counts doesn't it?].  Life is stressful. I de-stress often [by bingeing on aforementioned cakes, chocolates etc and staying up late to make sure all my work is done to avoid me becoming too stressed and I try to squeeze in some me-time and drink loads of coffee between 9pm and midnight]. Hmmmm I'm starting to see what everyone is talking about now. Ok now this is starting to sound bad.... at least I haven't put alcohol in as a major problem, and I don't smoke, see how healthy I am!!

So I decided to begin eliminating as much stress as possible in my life - easier said than done, I do have 3 little people under the age of 7 who are energy vampires!

It was my birthday a while back and one of my awesome friends gave me the greatest gift of all.....she came to my house to babysit Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato on a Saturday afternoon for 6 hours! Woo hooo! Hubby and I were delirious with happiness! A whole afternoon together just the two of us, what a treat! After much debate we decided a lunch in the country would be perfect, surrounded by lots of water, a place that is completely child-unfriendly. It was awesome! We had lunch overlooking a majestic river and afterwards we walked down to the river. There, across a wooden bridge, we discovered a picnic site with a blanket and cushions, which I sat down on and said "I could just fall asleep here" and promptly did just that. I fell fast asleep for over an hour in the shade of the trees, meandering rivers surrounding us, birds in the trees and a gentle breeze. Again the quiet sounds of nature flooded into me. Absolute H-E-A-V-E-N!  I felt refuelled, energised, like a new person, just as I had in Cape Town and Durban.

I recently read an article on Earthing (yes, what that brown wire does in a plug) - [see mom I did learn something at school]. I must say I had never even bothered to think about it, but when I started reading, it made sense. Here is a quick extract from the Earthing Institute (yes there is actually an institute!!)

"Throughout time, we humans have sat, stood, strolled, and slept on the ground – the skin of our bodies touching the skin of the Earth.

And throughout time, such ordinary contact served as a conduit for transferring the Earth’s natural, gentle negative charge underfoot into the body. You see, we are bio electrical beings living on an electrical planet.

Modern lifestyle has disconnected us from this primordial charge.

Earthing is the landmark discovery that the disconnect may make us more vulnerable to stress and illness. Contact with the Earth appears to uphold the electrical stability of our bodies and serve as a foundation for vitality and health. In an age of rampant chronic inflammation and disease, “grounding” ourselves by reconnecting with the Earth beneath our very feet provides a way back to better health."

Basically it is reconnecting with the earth. Stand on grass (barefoot), swim in the sea, be out in nature. Such simple things but do we ever find the time to do them? It was sad for me to realise that those trips were a year ago, when I last felt so connected. I have been on a few business trips since those particular ones where I was able to Earth, but although I've been to those cities again, I have been rushing onto a plane, off a plane, into a car, into a meeting room, out of a meeting room, back in the car and back onto the plane, back into the car, into the house. I've realised that even though I spend a lot of my time having picnics with the girls and going to wonderful grassy, open places, I never take my own shoes off (it's bad enough trying to find 6 shoes when we leave anywhere already!!)  What brought this home  (literally brought this home) is that I was told that I lacked vitamin D so I needed to spend some time in the sun, without sunblock (shock, horror with my blue skin!). We have a garden so I went outside and lay on the grass in the sun. Lettuce (2 years old) rushed out and tried to get me to stand up, he was so worried he started crying, he thought I was sick or I had fallen over!! Obviously it has been a long time since I lay on the grass, even though it's 1 step away from the house! Some people may call it Earthing, others connecting to God or the universe or whatever their spiritual belief, but I have come to believe that in order to de-stress we need to re-spiritualise and Earthing is just one of the ways in which to do this.

Unexpectedly, earlier this year, I made friends with a man named Sandy who shares my love of writing. He is writing a book and often has letters published in newspapers where he shines a light on the real people in South Africa and how, often the politicians are fighting for themselves and not the people they are representing, usually a positive, fresh perspective. Recently Sandy asked me to give him my comments on an article he wrote called "To engage we must engage our spiritual gear". I was very interested as this was a complete change from his usual writing. This Blog post has been swimming around in my head for about a month and Sandy's words leaped off the page at me as we were "both on the same page" so to speak (ha ha). The man has great insight and puts words to thoughts that I hadn't fully formed yet. I felt like he was in my head, writing exactly what I had been thinking! I had focused on Earthing but he had encompassed everything and showed me in his article that there are many ways to regain connectivity to what is important to you. With permission, I have included Sandy's article below as I think it is well-written and thought provoking - exactly what literature should be.

So perhaps this deviation from my expected life path will take me on a different journey, into healthy ways of living and more spiritual ways of existing, one thing is for sure, I will be stopping more often to smell those roses, slowly, quietly and barefoot!

TO SURVIVE WE MUST ENGAGE OUR SPIRITUAL GEAR

When we involve ourselves with activities which require effort and creativity, there is a spiritual component involved.

When we are enjoying music (classical /orchestral, popular /vocal and/or instrumental), theatre, etc., these have a calming, uplifting /rousing effect on the human spirit.  I believe we may be at risk of underestimating the fortifying and restoring effect on our spirits that occurs.

When we are troubled spiritually, or not well mentally or physically, should we not seriously look at ‘quickening, or revitalising our spirits’ by involving ourselves in those things that ‘stoke’ us.

When people have breakdowns, whether we call them ‘nervous’ or ‘emotional’, aren’t they really ‘spiritual’ breakdowns. Whatever we prefer to call personal breakdowns, the spirit of the one affected is, without question, broken – they very definitely seem like an empty shell. I believe every one of us who has been around for long enough has been some way along the road to such a breakdown, or has experienced the ‘full on’ spiritual breakdown. 

Without intending to be ‘religious’ (but without apology), there is a scripture which quotes as follows “Be still and know that I am God.” I have always regarded this as a reminder (in our headlong rush in life) not to leave our inner man (or ‘spirit man’) too far behind. I believe we must have periods of stillness every now and then (for different people, the extent and timing will differ, as will the nature of the ‘stillness’) so that the ‘little voice’ inside us can be heard. Every now and then we need to allow our spirits free-rein to walk ‘shoulder to shoulder’ with us.

Going back to where I started ‘at top’, we should use, on a regular basis, those things that quicken our spirits and fortify us.

A small personal example:  In my professional and personal walk in life, there is a good deal of interpersonal activity and a good deal of hard work to be done in marketing the business and running the projects. I enjoy my work, but it certainly takes its toll on me.  The time I spend in my car allows me to play the music that quickens my spirit (I have a broad enjoyment of music across almost all the genres). I can be having a particularly difficult day – in between appointments, I am on the road, and, as the music wafts, my spirit breathes, soars and is refreshed, no matter how ‘down’ I was.

Is my spirit man restricted to music? No. I enjoy reading, watching sport, Animal Planet, keeping up with current events, mentoring younger friends (mostly ‘upwardly mobile’, but some going through hurt and tough times) with daily SMS-d, motivational meditations. My creative side is writing - about the country where I live and which I love, and about the human condition. This can be hard, draining work, but, you know what? –somehow it makes me stronger, as I believe that when I write my ‘spirit man’ is involved and becomes stronger.

Even those whom I know who say “there is no God”, will freely confess that they have a spirit. Isn’t that profound?

On the occasion where the outlook seemed really bleak, out of nowhere something tugged at my funny bone - in a lonely place and state, I spontaneously laughed, thinking ‘how ridiculously bad can things get?’ – something stirred in my spirit  - was it a sense of self-preservation? I rather think that the Creator, in His infinite wisdom, gave us our sense of humour as a suit of armour for the spirit. Humour, a dimension which the spirit definitely inhabits, is a great stress reliever.

My initiating thought when I sat down to put pen to paper was the abiding feeling that not only can we ensure that we keep away from the ‘slippery slope’, we can bring back those who are approaching, and restore those who have experienced a spiritual breakdown by reconnecting them to those pastimes and activities that quicken their spirit, those things that they enjoy, or that constructively challenge them, as well as those situations where they enjoy being proactive. I know, instinctively, that if we work on this approach with creativity, dedication, commitment and passion, we can bring many from the spiritual void. For ourselves, in our daily walk, each of us needs to know and remember that we have a spirit that needs to walk beside us and breathe.

Sandy Johnston

Is this Real Life or just a Fantasy?

October 2013 will always be remembered as the month that I had a rude, but necessary, awakening.

I have been suffering with numerous aches and pains for the past 18 months but always put it down to straining, pulling a muscle or carrying too many children!! I always remember Oprah saying that life gives you a whisper and if you ignore the whispers, it starts to shout. Well apparently my life is shouting at me. I was so busy working and being a mommy just running from event to lecture to meeting to swimming lessons, that I may have forgotten to look after myself during the mayhem. Stress and sleep deprivation apparently play a large part in igniting my symptoms, so after a particularly stressful 2 months with Tomato and her skin issues, I was  diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder. Whaaat??  Doesn't that only happen to old people?? Oh wait, how old am I again?

I thought I was a young spring chicken and I often relate marketing facts to my students like I'm still one of them, e.g. "our parents were technologically challenged" when in actual fact some of their parents are my age!! Social media brings this home too with Facebook showing friends with children who are enterning varsity and some becoming grandparents!! WTF!!  Where did the time go? I had a plan, I had things I needed to do and now I'm faced with a death sentence disease.........

*dramatic pause*

Ok that's a bit drama-queenish [is that a word?] it's not a death sentence but rather a slap through the face with the reality of my mortality, but it feels like it's the death of my youth. I've gone from a no-pill-popping 20 something to a pop-a-handful of serious meds every day 40-something. This all got me thinking.....

What are we actually doing?  If you ask anyone they will tell you that they only want the best for their children and they want them to be happy.

Are you happy?

If your child wants to play in the mud do you let them or do you think of the muddy clothes? It would make them happy. When your teenager tells you that he wants to smoke a joint, do you let him? It would make him happy (actually very happy). When your matriculant decides that tertiary education is not for her and she would prefer to start work as an assistant in a music store with her new boyfriend, do you let her? It would make her happy. Are we spending a large chunk of our time grooming our children to have similar lives as our own, or even better than we had, because it will make them happy? Again, are YOU happy?  I was reminded by a quote on Facebook today that says it all ------>>>>


I really really enjoy my job and I really enjoy my kids (most of the time). I have enjoyed the challenges of a high-powered corporate position and battled to find work-family balance. I was fortunate to be offered the more flexible "consulting and stay-at-home career mom" combo which I feel has worked well for me over the past 3 years. I think, without work, my mind would stagnate and I wouldn't be happy. However the stress of doing both jobs to the level of excellence to which I strive, is obviously taking its toll on my body without my permission. So, all these new thoughts have been floating around in my head and I am reminded yet again of a story I heard long ago. 

*Warning*  I am now about to open a HUGELY contraversial can of worms, especially since most of my girlfriends work, but here goes...... 

Many years ago I worked with an older Afrikaans lady named Magriet who was excellent at her job of being a pharmaceutical rep but she was nearing retirement and she often told me that it was time, she was tired "Lisatjie ek is moeg" she would say. One day she told me something that infuriated me and I disagreed vehemently with her at the time, but it has stuck with me for many years and I am beginning to see her reasoning. Now before we start [read as disclaimer because I'm scared you'll hunt me down] I am not agreeing with what I am about to relay, I am saying just think about it. Remove all the women's lib, women's rights, upliftment, sexist, male dominant world thinking and really give this some thought. 

The South African unemployment rate currently stands at 25% (men and women actively seeking employment, let's assume a 50/50 gender split). Women in the workplace amount to over 13% (2009 stats), so probably around 17% by now. Many of the women in the workplace contribute to a double-income household while many of the unemployed are unable to contribute to a double-non-income household. Take a breath and think what this means. Families who have no income. Unemployment causes poverty and could potentially result in criminal behavior. What Magriet said that made me angry, was that women should not work, men should be the only ones allowed to work. I had recently finished studying marketing and I loved contributing to projects and campaigns and using my ideas and learning everything there was to know about business, so I was not about to agree with that statement. She saw my face and continued, she said if women did not work, or look for work, there would be no unemployment, every family could eat. I quickly shot this theory down with numerous, obviously sexist objections, but it stuck with me. 

Through the years I have thought about how this would work and the obvious arguments sprung to mind, what if a woman has the cure for HIV in her brain but was never able to use it? What if a woman doesn't marry or gets divorced or widowed, how would she support herself and her family? What if there are lesbian couples with no income, while male gay couples would be coining it? And so on and so on.....


After my close brush with my impending death [ok I'm really milking this now, I'm not really dying] I have thought about Magriet's words again and although simplistic, it does have some merit. As women, whether we are a stay-at-home-mom or a business executive mom, we all want the best for our children and we want them to be happy. Are we giving our children the best of us?  Is your full attention with your child when you are with them? Haven't we all done this? Check our phone while the children wait to be pushed. I know I have, I often send work emails while out with my children. As a consultant, I need to be contacted and I need to have answers and I believe that I need to be better than the next consultant mom who only answers emails on her PC at home. But would I be so engrossed in my phone if I didn't work? Would I step off the hamster's wheel and calm my life down, not worrying about where the next job is coming from? If I had never worked, would I know what I was missing? 

My mom became a stay-at-home-mom after marrying my dad. She was also a career woman who gave it all up as there was no telecommunitng in the 60's. I remember she did so many creative things like fancy cooking courses, cake icing and decorating, sewing, baking and she even volunteered to do civil defense (ambulance duty). Are women these days just working and being mommies and not enjoying other joys life has to offer? Would we rather be streched beyond breaking point than reduce our standard of living? Magriet's theory is obviouisly sexist and goes against the grain. She left our discussion with these parting words "if women didn't know any different, they wouldn't be chasing in all directions, trying to do everything and losing themselves in the process. Women would have like-minded friends who all believed the same thing, they would have time to be with themselves and to connect with their world in a quiet manner instead of racing through it, chasing a never-ending to-do list. Women would be able to find the time every day to be happy." 

Unfortunately I, and many other great moms and working women, have tasted the forbidden fruit of the workplace so Magriet's theory could never happen and should never happen (I like the idea that a woman will have the cure for HIV) but every now and again, when I have to stop my crazy, frenetic pace and force myself to slow down and smell the roses (especially now when my health literally depends on it), I think of Magriet and her looking back on her long working career and wonder whether I will agree with her more or less when I get to retirement age.

I'd like to end this post with the list compiled by a nurse entitled The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying. If you were to die today, what would your regrets be? Change them today :)

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.

“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

Truth is Stranger than Fiction

Just when I thought I'd seen and heard it all, August 2013 happened! Yes it might be fortuitous of a year ending with the dreaded "13" but I hadn't given it a second thought.  You see my first breath of life took place on a Friday the 13th, many moons ago, so personally I quite like 13.

The month started off a little shaky with Tomato having to have an anesthetic and blood tests and new meds which was a bit traumatic, but shortly thereafter it was my birthday woohoo!!

 [if you're a member of MENSA, at this stage you would have figured out that it was on the 13th].   





Now it is well-documented that it has always been my style to celebrate my birthday for pretty much 2 weeks and this year was no exception.  I was woken with balloons, gifts, cards, hand-drawn pictures and notes of love - how adorable!  I then went on to meet a friend, only to be surprised with a champagne birthday breakfast complete with floating balloons, champagne, a hand-crafted, beautiful cake and more pressies (yay!).  My mom came round later for more birthday celebrations, more cake, more pressies and then hubby took me out for a wonderful birthday dinner. Later in the week I was bought an entire triple chocolate cheesecake (my favourite, the best cake I have EVER tasted) [inbox me if you want the deets, or better yet, call me and I'll go with you ;-) ]   And then the following week we had a group pedicure with champagne and snacks together with ongoing coffee dates with more pressies..... yay yay and more yay!!! 

 Anyway apart from my fabulous 2-week birthday, there were other factors at play in my social circle. I have a friend Yvonne who is probably the nicest, kindest and most generous person known to man (she was responsible for the cheesecake and pedicure, need I say more?)  But what confuses me about living in this weird, complicated, unpredictable world, is why this poor woman has had to endure so much heartache in her life.  August 2013 brought a massive amount of drama and sadness.  Firstly her hubby found out that his granny had late stage ovarian cancer and was sent home to "get her affairs in order", then her young son got an abscess which needed to be removed under anesthetic, then 2 days later her daughter was rushed to hospital with meningitis, every parent's nightmare!

Due to all of the stress her hubby decided to take a couple of days leave to recharge and spend some time with his family.  After shopping at the local hardware a drunk driver hit their new car and attempted to flee.  Yvonne stopped him and after calling her a few choice words that start with "f" and end in "itch", he, wait for it............ he BIT her husband!!!  I was stunned!!  A quick reference to the date confirmed that we are in fact in the 21st century and yet, in order to settle an argument, this person still felt the go-to tactic would be to bite another adult, similar to the nursery-school playground!  The mind boggles! So back to the hospital these poor people trek for hubby to get checked out and to be put on a course of antibiotics and anti-retrovirals as is now the norm due to the 21st century and HIV pandemic.  The poor man is nauseous from the drugs and will only know if his HIV status has changed, from said bite, in 6 months time. Needless to say the man bolted back to the safety of work the following day stating that it was safer to be in his office. But wait!!!!  That's not all!!  No.  Yvonne who was the lone family member who had skirted the hospital came down with bronchitis, and together with an existing heart condition, was put on bed rest.  Of course that didn't stop her dropping off some items at my home and purchasing me a gift!!  Did I mention stupid generous?  When I asked her "how can so many things happen to one family in the space of 10 days?" she replied "to make us stronger."  See?  Told you she was awesome!!  Where does she get this strength from?  People with half her problems would have curled up in the fetal position and waited for 2013 to pass!!

Then moving along swiftly to the final event, which has actually been verified, because I didn't believe it could be true..... wait for the funniest, saddest and downright ludicrous story that you have ever heard, I'm still laughing!!!

A family decided to take their elderly grandmother on holiday to Mocambique.  Unfortunately Granny died while they were there, and after a lot of debate, the family decided the delivery of the body to officials in Mocambique and then the extradition of the body would just be too much of an admin nightmare, so they decided to smuggle Granny through the border post back to SA.  So they wrapped Granny up in a carpet and put her on the roof-racks of the Landy.  After driving through the night to get to the border (with the body as fresh as possible, not in direct sunlight) they managed to get her into SA without too much attention (sounds a bit like Weekend with Bernie). 

Obviously relieved that their plan had worked, the family were calmer and those of you with kids will understand the nagging and whining that happens on a road trip, to stop for food and toilet breaks, so the family stopped to freshen up and refuel (I assume somewhere near Komatie Poort). But when they returned to their vehicle, they found that some residents of the area had been eyeing out the attractive rug strapped to their roof and had taken advantage of the time the family stepped away from the vehicle to steal this carpet, not for an instant suspecting that Granny might be inside!  I can just picture the scene.  And again at the police station after that!!!  Wahahahaha imagine explaining to the rest of the family and best of all, imagine the poor dudes taking the carpet home and flinging it open on their living room floor!!  Really this is a Leon Shuster movie in the making!!  Unfortunately poor Granny is still at large...... *snort*

Well with the end of August also comes the end of winter!  Trees are sprouting, blossoms are forming and t-shirts and shorts are starting to make their long-awaited appearance. Spring has sprung and the marketing machine is hard at work with Christmas items already in stores! Let's hope the run to December is less eventful, but it is still 2013 after all....... so who knows what can happen!