Only the Lonely

I know that I am very fortunate.

I received a good education at a pretty good school, I was fortunate to have a company that believed in me sufficiently to pay for my tertiary studies, which opened the door to management and really good prospects.  I was also fortunate to work for a man who not only believed in me, but encouraged me to be the best I could be and showed me that every problem had a solution. I was fortunate to meet and marry an awesome guy and to be blessed with 3 beautiful children. I am fortunate to still have all of my siblings and mother alive and healthy and I am fortunate to live in a wonderful estate where my children can grow up as normally as possible in this sometimes troubled part of the world.

Recently I re-connected with a friend after 20+ years and I realised that I have been living in a bubble. Life has not been as good to everyone as it has to me. My life is so hectic with a husband, children, work, friends and family that I literally had NO IDEA that there were people out there (literally 5 kms from my house) who grew up in the same way as I did, but did not fare so well.  Because I have such a full life, I could not grasp the fact that some people have very empty lives. I also battled to come to terms with the number of lonely people there are "out there."

Now the above-mentioned friend who I reconnected with after many years, spent a fair amount of his free time in bars (he preferred that I call them pubs) but seriously, what is the difference?  Anyway, I could never understand the attraction of a smoky, watering-hole and it has taken me over a year to finally understand the attraction.  The bars (sorry, I mean pubs) are for lonely people to meet other lonely people. Now before you get all offended that you went for drinks with your mates last week and you're not lonely and that I shouldn't tar and feather everyone with the same brush, I am referring to people who I refer to as "Bar-flies."  Bar-flies are people who frequent a drinking establishment every day or almost every day and use it as a crutch because they don't want to go home to the lives that they have created, or the lack thereof. They also, often lie to themselves, their friends and family about the amount of time they spend in these establishments and that they have come to rely on them to recharge.

A friend of mine met her husband in a bar, so I quizzed him on the subject.  Although he spent a LOT of time in bars, he does not fit my "Bar-fly" definition because he made the friends first and then went to the bar, so they would sometimes go and play tennis or do other things together. The bar-flies to which I refer, are the lonely people who strike up conversations with whoever else is at the bar at the time and think they are having a meaningful interaction. One self-proclaimed Barfly admitted that he has hung out with pretty much the same people night after night, week after week, month after month, year after year but they are not his friends! Huh????  He admitted that if he were hospitalised for any reason, he would not expect any of his Barfly "friends" to visit him.  I was shocked! Why would anyone spend so much time with people, talk about their lives and innermost thoughts and then not visit their friend when he needed them most?  I am obviously a bit slow, because as I said, it has taken me some time to realise that although these lonely people are interacting, they are not connecting.  They are not sharing. None of those Bar-flies really know who they are talking to.  They are all pretending.  They are presenting a persona, an avitar if you will, of themselves.  They have personal walls that they put up to protect themselves, their feelings and their real lives and only share the parts that they want their bar-friends to know, some truths, some lies. 

This has disturbed me enough to write about it.  

I have always had a knack of sorting out other people's problems and I would love to be a Life Coach, but realistically I don't really see that happening in the near future (I'd need another 10 hours in my day), however I do amateur Life Coaching as a hobby and the more I see of this bar-world, the more I worry about what people are going through in their daily lives. The man who considers himself a Barfly, has admitted that he loves political writing and I've read some of his work and it's really good!  He often writes open letters which are published in the newspapers and in fact he's even written four chapters of a book, but he hasn't finished it...... yet.  He is twice divorced with grown up children and grandchildren who live a fair distance away, but what does he do after work instead of completing his book?  He goes to "the pub." This is what I battle to understand.  Are the lonely getting lonelier?  Logically they must realise that they are spending their time with people who do not care about them, but they still invest years of their spare hours into these non-relationships. 

Well the friend that I mentioned earlier, who I reconnected with after 20+ years, he was on the verge of suicide and he reached out to me in the early hours of the morning when he was about to do the deed. Me. Someone he knew 20 years ago.  It made no sense to me. He had been out with his Barfly friends and couldn't even tell them what he was planning when he got home.  I spent hours, days, months trying to help him and fortunately he did not go through with the suicide.  He started studying, he started gaining a new interest in cooking and his family. He began opening up his life to new possibilities and things were looking good. He started looking after his health needs and even started sounding positive about life.  He became a better father and son and even started having dinner with his parents once a week........ until he got sucked right back in.  One call from an "ex-girlfriend" put him right back where he was.  The ex-girlfriend, an alcoholic, needed money and wanted attention and a drinking buddy. My friend fell right back into the old routine.  He stopped studying and has wasted yet another year of his life with nothing to show for himself.  He has gone off the rails and is headed down a new path of self-destruction.  

This leads me to my conclusion, which is actually a question - are Barflies lonely because they choose to be?  I work hard at maintaining friendships because I enjoy them.  I enjoy interacting with my friends, knowing about their trials and tribulations and I am comforted that I can share my problems with them in return.  If ever I need some human interaction, or I need to off-load I don't have a meaningless discussion with the first person who greets me in a bar, I pick up the phone and arrange a time and date with a friend.  We then are able to discuss the details of our lives, and if the problem is not solved, at least we would have had a good few laughs about it and found the strength to carry on.  If a friend was hospitalised, I'd be there for them and they'd be there for me.  Are these Barflies scared to connect?  Is it too much of a commitment to have and retain a real friendship? Are there underlying social and or psychological issues here that prevent them from wanting a long-term relationship?

I started this post by admitting how fortunate I am.  Maybe I have had an easier path than others and maybe I just don't understand.  If you have any thoughts or input on this topic, I'd love to hear them because I realise that I may be judging harshly. Maybe there is a viewpoint out there that makes sense. I sure hope so.


PS After I'd written this post, I hadn't finished so I then wrote a sequel. Click here to read it - Only the Lonely Part 2